'jane, get me off this crazy thing...called love'

"This poem sucks!"

Bits of this movie are stuck in my head right now, partly because Cardo and I were discussing how big my head is today. But, it's really the above line that's playing on repeat in my head. Not, because I am experiencing the sentiment, but because there are other crazy things I'd rather be off right now. (Oh, geez, I need to go back to reading eloquent writing, not mangled writing, before I stop by the pond. But, I'm oh-so-tired. And, whiny. And, oddly, giddy. And, restless. It's getting to be tight 'round here. I need to just be.)

toxic love

I've got plenty of, well, crap swirling around in my head right now. I feel full of uncertainties and questions and also a lot of hurt for other people. I think, after a pretty rough patch a few weeks ago, a patch full of briars that threatened to hold onto my skin, I'm actually okay. I'm kind of exhausted, which makes it difficult to ponder too much about anything for an extended amount of time without falling asleep, but I really do think I'm okay. Or, at least, I'll be okay.

This does not stop the confusion and pain, though. Perhaps I'm just realizing that's part of life. I can feel that pain but not take it on as my own? I wonder if I'm capable of this, or if the pain is just waiting for me to allow myself to fall into old habits? As I said, it's only been a few weeks since the last low.

But, oh, the questions. Why do we hide so much of our pain from others? Is it because we are ashamed that we are allowing ourselves to endure this pain? I feel this way sometimes; I want to just tell people, "Oh, yeah, I'm fine," even when I'm not because I know I shouldn't allow myself to not be fine. But, is that always a choice? I want to say yes and no at the same time. Yes, I'm allowing myself to wallow and hurt. No, the hurt and fear are uninvited and don't intend to leave and I can't do anything about that.

I get why I don't hide my hurt with others, but do others hide their hurt away? Is it because they believe no one can help them? Because they feel they have to get through whatever it is alone? Because we're always supposed to look good on the outside no matter how screwed up everything seems when no one is looking too closely?

Sometimes I feel that facade is a lie. Not just a cover, a protection against unwelcome eyes, but a lie. Life isn't always easy and I think sometimes we can make it more difficult by hiding the difficulties. Does the hiding somehow extend the trouble and pain? I wonder. We spend so much time trying to bury what's wrong that we don't address it, put it out there in the world, let it go?

I have lots of questions, but no real, coherent answers.

So, because I am afraid to go back to the constant wall-building and darkness, pain and, well, more fear, I've asked for help. I've asked for help once before, at a time when not asking would have resulted in something I can't think about. This time around, I'm feeling like I'm rowing calmly on a somewhat placid lake, not like I'm hoping for a dinky little lifeboat as I clutch a railing on the Titanic.

So, I've asked for help. If I can offer help, I'm here. I probably don't have any good answers, but I can just be here and listen. And, I hope that helps.

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I didn't mean to ramble so much, to think through writing only to come to no conclusions, but there it is. I'm starting to question whether there's not some great celestial event or something that can explain the current turmoil I see around me. Because I can't explain it any other way, so it might be time to start blaming the stars or the alignment of the planets or something.

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On a much lighter note, as I try to skim the surface and not sink, I told Cardo that I may just be toxic, and then I couldn't get this song out of my head:



"Hexxus (Tim Curry) sings Toxic Love"

Ah, Tim Curry.

monday music: 'it's really time for you to be in bed'

"I could have danced all night"

This was running through my head last night, as I was facing an all-nighter. And, anyhow, I can always go for some Audrey. (Even though it's not her voice, it's still her and I'll be happy about that.)

Anyhow, I got sleep. Ready to face this week. Yep. Enter Determination, stage right.

home cooking

Cardo and I were lucky enough to have a date night on Friday. We didn't do much, nothing fancy, but we did actually cook at home. I keep saying that we should do that on our date nights, but we often end up eating out. Last time, we were very much less than impressed with the restaurant we chose and we won't be returning. At least at home, we don't have to worry about bad service and we're more likely to cook something healthy at home.

So, Friday, we roasted some Brussels sprouts with apples and turkey bacon. It was good. I keep thinking that I'll like Brussels sprouts more than I do, but then I have to remind myself that I've made them, like, twice. I totally believe that the more often I eat them, the more I'll like them. I think I'm right. We also cooked some pineapple (we just put in in the cast iron skillet on the rangetop) and it ended up fabulous!



Lest you imagine that's all I ate, fear not. We also baked some potatoes, but, geez, that takes forever. I suggested we put the potatoes in before the Brussels sprouts, but we needed more than just ten minutes. So, we had a two-course meal.

I also made Cardo watch Jumping Jack Flash with me. He can't get over the fact that I watched it when I was a kid.

[Not the cleanest language in this clip, just to let you know.]



"Jumpin' Jack Flash - Telephone Booth Scene"

monday music: 'you're all harper valley hypocrites'

Not quite sure how I came across this song. It's been lurking around on a sticky note for who knows how long.


"Harper Valley P.T.A. movie clip / singer Jeannie C. Riley"

Also, not quite sure I've never seen this movie. Because now I kind of want to see it.

on pinterest (and telephone gossip)

O, Pinterest, how I really am thoroughly enjoying you!

Some observations:

* I feel like I'm revealing so much more about myself through Pinterest, in such a cavalier* way (yes, I'm book-obsessed, which I know was obvious, but is now even more so; look at the sites I frequent most...frequently; you can definitely tell what fills my daydreams)

* I could spend something like a lifetime just pinning stuff

* Is it really okay to pin something from someone's site when they ask that you keep their words/images where they've been posted? Should I be asking permission of these other bloggers? Or, is this more like visual links that are clearly attributed?

* Why did it take me so long to realize that the site is posted on the pins for me, so I didn't have to keep typing in addresses (except for the etsy thing, wherein I still find that I like to post the name of the actual shop/seller)

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* You should definitely look this word up; it has such a specific (archaic) meaning.

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"Telephone Hour - Bye Bye Birdie (1995)"

or


"Musical Number: Bye Bye Birdie - Telephone Hour"

or...one of thirteen thousand other versions, no doubt.

music and a digression (or two)

"Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' by (Mary Ann, Ginger & Mrs Howell)"

I am really not obsessed with this song, I swear. It's just that I keep coming across fun videos for it.

Also, I never really watched Gilligan's Island much, but how is it that these women all have the same pair of shoes? Aren't they stranded on an island? I'll stop here and suspend my disbelief because I have many other questions regarding that same clip.

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And, speaking of Gilligan's Island...


"Emily Dickinson's Isle - Death by Emily Dickinson to the tune of Gilligan's Isle"

Funny enough: I first learned about youtube in the class of the professor who pointed out to me this fun little tidbit (singing the Dickinson poems to this tune).

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And, speaking of Dickinson...

One of my favorite quotations is from her writing: "Tell all the truth but tell it slant." This quotation I first read on a Bazooka bubble gum wrapper.

musical monday: go the whole wide world

"Whole Wide World - Wreckless Eric"

One of my favorite cinematic gestures is when Harold gives Ana (or, Ms Pascal, as he calls her), a baker, a dozen flours. Love it!

musical monday: you can snuggle up to your cash register...

...it's a little lumpy, but it rings!


"'So Long Dearie' from Hello, Dolly!"

Pic and I were making a crumble today and listening to show tunes. A different song from Hello, Dolly! came on, but this is the one I want to share right now. I love the incredibly dramatic 'good bye!' she starts off with.

Okay, I'm off to eat some of said crumble right now (smells so pungently, fruitily good). I'll post my somewhat dubious pictures of that experience later.

little shop

I really can't believe that I haven't posted about this before. I certainly spend entirely too much time thinking about it. So, here goes:

I've been watching a lot of You've Got Mail lately. I don't really have that large of a variety of DVDs and when I'm stressed and/or overwhelmed, I tend to watch a familiar movie over and over again, more for noise in the background than for anything else. This is one of those movies. (If I'm spending time away from the computer, time in the living room, I have a VHS cassette (is that redundant?) I often watch. Last night, I actually sat in the living room a bit and had to remark to Cardo that it'd been a strangely long time since I'd sat on our couch.)

There are a few things that just get me about that movie. Among others is the fact that Kathleen Kelly, the owner of a small, independent children's bookstore, frequents Starbucks. At one point, she accuses one of the executives of a large chain bookstore of being a part of a homogenizing mochaccino-land (or something very similar) and, yet, she patronizes Starbucks. No, I really don't think people should be perfect, but I'm not talking about real people. I'm talking about a movie and characters within that. And, I don't really think that the movie-making-people in this case are trying to make a film about "real people." So, I want my characters to fit their stereotypes. Kelly is a local/indie person. No Starbucks! (I, on the other hand, am a real person. I do occasionally go to Starbucks. I also try to do way more shopping local than I did before. So, yeah.)

Also, every time I watch that movie, I think how cool it would be to own my very own children's bookstore, or, rather, a used bookstore. Apparently I learned nothing from Kelly's shop's fate. I'm like those people who think how incredibly romantic Romeo and Juliet is even though (spoiler alert!) both the title characters off themselves in the end.

I might say more, but that's enough for now. And, anyhow, Pic wants me to go play grocery store right now.

musical monday: for in this world i'm bound to ramble

"Soggy Bottom Boys - I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow"

Such a goofy movie, but oh-so-fun.

'and this is my financier, elizabeth'

"Funniest movie line ever"

Oh, so goofy. I will need to be renting some movies il quest estate. I could definitely use some more Gene Wilder in my life.

musical monday: 'all i want to do is to ex-it'

We've been having lots of fun with cars these past two weeks. Okay, so really it's been more like not-so-much-fun with a lack of cars. Something like that. That's almost wrapped up, I hope.

So, in that vein, here's a car-related song that's been stuck in my head thanks to one of my cousins. I had completely forgotten about this prior to earlier this month.

musical monday: 'swim with the current and flow away'

"Agnes Obel - Riverside (official)"

This makes me want to lay piano again.

musical monday: rings 'n' things

"Ke$ha - We r Who We R (Sign Language)"
I've never/seen heard this song before, but I'm really liking the video.


"ASL Version Music Video-Single Ladies"
[I thought there were other dancers in this video. So, apparently, did some of the YouTube commenters. I don't know where this "other version" is they speak of. Hmm.]

These bring back memories of learning a song in ASL to perform. Peecho and I were going to perform Bette Midler's "Night and Day" but then she broke her toe and couldn't sign. (Seriously.) So, I performed "Silent Night" instead. I wasn't thrilled, but we had each only learned a part of the other song. And, anyway, I got to wear my mom's white dress that looked like an oversized fringed shawl, which I dug.

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Oh, and, why not?


"Thom Yorke dances to Single Ladies"

One more note: I don't really think I get this song. The speaker (I'm not talking Beyonce, I'm talking the speaker in a literary sense) seems to be saying that she wants love and not things, but she's asking for a ring. I get the implication, but rings are things. Also, why the self-referential "it"? What's with the objectification?

musical monday: clothing edition

Sounds fascinating, yes? Indeed.


"Pardon Me (I Didn't Knit That for You")

"Row by row, stitch by stitch/I was scratchin' an itch"

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And, something I posted a very long while back:

"How Would We Look Without Zippers" by the JC Penney Company

"How would we look without rickrack/Where would we be with no chalk/Think of the world with no buttons/And think how the neighbors would talk" -- fun stuff

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Related (image-wise), but on a sombre note:

Radiohead - Subterranean - MTV Shows

"All I Need" by Radiohead

"I'm the next act/Waiting in the wings"

ex-squeeze me? baking powder?

(Oh, yes, I did use that as my title.)

I am a compulsive reader. I'll read, um, stuff I have absolutely zero interest in. Take, for instance, the article I just read about an upcoming remake of The Bodyguard.

A few things. First: okay, so I didn't really read the article. I started to, but I couldn't get very far before I quit, and I'll explain in just a moment. But, before that, second: Why? Seriously, why do a remake of this movie? I think I've already admitted to having no taste when it comes to movies, but I really, really disliked this movie. If I could have those minutes back, I'd take 'em. (That goes for the time I watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Indecent Proposal. Oh, and Bio-Dome, Cabin Boy, Happy Gilmore, and oh-so-many more. Oh, this list could get a lot more depressing really quickly. Must. stop. now.)

Why did I quit reading in the third paragraph? The writer actually wrote, actually wrote, that the movie "spawned one of the biggest ballads of all time, 'I Will Always Love You.'" I'll just step back a moment and let that sink in.

And, then, I'll offer this:


"Dolly Parton - I will always love you"
I include this version because I still think it's funny that this is a madam singing this to the sheriff with whom she's having a secret love affair and that so many people choose this as their wedding song. (I've talked about this here before.) In case you still haven't listened to the lyrics, she's leaving him.

Parton wrote this song, but not for the movie. (This information I got from Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business, which I own and which I enjoyed. How much am I freaking people out with how high-brow I obviously am?)

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And, yes, I should probably stop clicking on the linked articles on the Yahoo! homepage.

Also, yes, I have watched Wayne's World many, many times and I don't regret that at all. Ha!

musical monday: "don't write yourself off yet"

"Jimmy Eat World - The Middle"

I heard this in the car the other day and it was the first time I've ever really listened to the music. Overall, I like the song. It's a little You against Them (who are all the same, apparently) but I like the self-confidence vibe.

The video? Umm...okay. I won't get into it a lot here, but a lot of my self-esteem problems come from body image issues, which I feel is the case for a lot of people (mind you, I haven't conducted any studies). With the exception of maybe one person, all of these people seem to have bodies that would fit "our" current ideal.

Anyhow...

And, why is the highest rated comment, "In Soviet Russia, world eats Jimmy"? I'm definitely missing something here.

'i make dozens of dollars'

"The Grad Student Rap"

Oh, so funny. And, perhaps a bit sad.

musical monday: 'all the trees are rare'

"B52's - Planet claire"