water with various foods floating in it

Oh, doesn't that sound appealing? Unfortunately, that's about as accurate a description of the soup I made yesterday as I'm going to get. In the middle of the night, as I was cleaning the kitchen,* I decided to finally make the soup I had been thinking about. I needed to use up a bunch of spinach that was threatening to slimify (so not a word, I'm sure, but there it is). I sauteed several cloves of garlic in the bottom of the big soup pot. And, when I say saute here, I actually mean it. For once, I didn't burn the garlic. Then, I started adding spinach. I was afraid the garlic would turn on me and blacken, so I added some low-sodium vegetable broth also. I'm pretty sure I didn't let the spinach wilt enough before I added the rest of the broth. I also added a teakettle full of water and a can of black beans, a can of white beans and a can of butt peas (er, garbanzo beans, chickpeas, whatever).

That's it. Yes, I should have realized that the soup would be incredibly flavorless. Especially as I rinsed the beans. Perhaps I should have added that liquid. Hmm.

I thought I'd be extra fancy and blend some of the soup and pour it back in to thicken the soup, but it was still pretty watery. This morning, when I told Cardo, "Last night, I made soup! But, it's pretty tasteless," he responded, "Like usual?" Oy! I'd be more hurt, but he's right. I tend to seriously underflavor food, especially because I don't like a lot of salt.



I ate the soup, with some sourdough toast, for breakfast. I tried to make it better by adding a wedge of Laughing Cow garlic-something-or-other cheese as the soup was heating. As the cheese melted, it did make the soup cloudier. Overall, the soup is serviceable. I did get a decent serving of vegetables first thing today, and that's what I'm really focusing on. But, really, I'd like the food to taste more...tasty. Alluring, enticing, scrumdiddlyuptious. Something.

I shudder at the idea that I need a recipe to make soup. (Really, I just shuddered.) I feel like soup is simple and I should just be able to make it. So, what's the deal? Do I just need to be adding salt? I don't often cook with meat, so I don't have that to add, but I could try something with turkey bacon, perhaps, which I'll be using later this week anyhow.

Suggestions, please.

Also, while I'm thinking about it: I was lamenting to Cardo this morning that eating well is difficult. I totally get why we can so easily overindulge on salty and fatty foods -- they've got flavor! I have to make a conscious effort to give my body much-deserved healthy foods, especially fruits and especially especially vegetables. About one second after I finished moaning over my breakfast, Pic walks out of the back of the condo and cheerfully says, "It's easy to be healthy! I'm eating a pear!" Oh, to be six and to not have funky food issues.

Related: I'd like to write about things I really shouldn't write about here. For now, though, I'll say that I'm tired of hearing things along the lines of "People are overweight/obese/fat/whathaveyou because they are lazy/they don't like to exercise/they don't eat well/they deserve it." I'm obviously paraphrasing here.

I don't eat as well as I should and I probably don't exercise in the most effective manner (but, damnit, I do exercise daily, even if that only means I've walked), and I still have a lot of excess me that I'm not always (or ever) comfortable with. I'm making small changes that I hope will help in the long run, because I am thinking "long run" here, but I've long since grown weary of the assumptions. I'd like to write more on this, and solicit kindly-phrased advice, later, but the topic is on my mind right now, so I thought I'd bring it up.

For now, I'm considering my ever-evolving relationship with my body to be an important part of my own life learning. I'm working on improving myself and I'm trying to patiently see what changes result. I know there are easier solutions, but I'm trying to do what is right for me and quick fixes and I don't get along in the long run.

I feel like I should end with some upbeat affirmation: I'm bettering myself every day in every way. Or something. I'm trying here, but, geez, can it be lonely.

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* Oh, cleaning the kitchen. There's an argument right there for never eating at home. It's kind of like cleaning laundry: an argument for going bare.

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I'm thinking this post has been brought to you by the punctuation mark the comma.

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Finally!: send along soup recipes please! Heavy on the vegetables, light on the meat. Grazie mille.

makeup; or, i might as well apply a thick layer of lead to my face

I don't have nice skin. I think I maybe did, pre-eleven-years-old, but definitely not since then. I would like to hide behind makeup, but, geez, makeup can be scary. I only own powder foundation. (I'm so ill-versed in makeup that I'm not even sure that's what it's called. I always have to look it up.) And, I only wear it days I work outside of my home, which means rarely ever.

For the last several years, I've been using Bare Minerals. One container of powder lasts me a good, long while, so I don't have to worry about buying new makeup often. As my little container is almost empty, though, I have to worry about it now. I thought I'd be an informed consumer/user, so I turned to Environmental Working Group's cosmetics database to perhaps find a less expensive, but not terrifying, makeup. First, what I'm currently using has a moderately high overall hazard, including occupational hazards (what the what?!). Second, yes, makeup is scarier than I thought. I'm glad I don't wear it much more often. Why do we poison ourselves for vanity's sake. (I don't even know how the manufacture of all of this stuff affects those doing the manufacturing or how it affects the environment.)

I might go with Physician's Formula (this specific powder), which I know I can buy at nearby stores (as in, I don't have to buy my makeup online). Still, reading even those stats kind of freaks me out.

If anyone has feedback regarding makeup that won't cause my face to fall off, I'd love to hear it, please.

screen shopping

I don't enjoy clothes shopping. Not since the days Poke and I used to try on the most horrid clothes we could find; now, that was fun.

However, I was thinking clothes "shopping" online could be kind of fun now that Poke has introduced Pinterest into my life. I still have a problem, though: where to look? What are some fun places to look at clothes here on the interweb? If money wasn't an issue, where would you shop for clothes?

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Also, while I'm at it, just because Gap is a clothing store name that comes to mind, can someone please explain to me why people tend to say "the Gap"? Is there some fun, quirky history that goes with that? I never hear people say, "I got it at the Anthropologie" or "I found this at the Abercrombie and Fitch." (I had to look up the spelling for both of those stores.) (I've been into an Abercrombie and Fitch once and it was weird and dark with rave-y music and it smelled like too much cologne. Why?)

alas and alack!

Ah, nablopomo. Oops.

I had such a groove going. I had a whole new system worked out for making posting smoother for myself. Then...my parents came to visit. That was fabulous and I can't wait until our next (as yet unplanned) visit. And, while they were here, I was continuing with my posting. However, the day they left, I was exhausted. I slept many, many hours the night they went home. As in, I went to bed about eight hours earlier than usual.

Oy with the poodles.

Then, as far as blogging goes, I kind of lost my steam. Ah, well. I'm trying to get some focus and rhythm back in my days. I think it's going to go pretty well. However, I think I won't be posting tomorrow.

In the meantime, I beg of you ways to calm myself for a dentist appointment. I finally decided to tell Cardo he could call the dentist and ask them to set me up for an appointment (I would never, never do it for myself...just as I won't go by myself). I pretty much begged him to get me an appointment where they'll do both cleaning and fixing. I'm afraid they'll tell me that's not possible, but I have a tendency to go to the cleanings, listen to them tell me I need to have a few things fixed and then not go back for seven million weeks. However, again tonight my tooth was crumbling. Lovely little bits of it coming off as I flossed.

So, how do I not completely freak out at the dentist's office? Please?

obligations

Does anyone else have Netflix and feel strangely obligated to watch the movies as soon as possible? Ugh, just when I'm trying to wean myself of too much teevee and Netflix is being all efficient and sending me movie upon movie. Plus, there's all this streaming stuff. Oy with the poodles.

A couple more questions: 1) why can't I just let the movies sit for a while instead of feeling compelled to watch them and send them back as soon as possible? and 2) why am I not like this with the really important mail, like bills -- open, write the check, send off the payment, done, done, done?

Oh, oh, one more question: Shampoo? I was especially tired earlier and didn't feel I could turn the movie off, but I was also too tired to go to sleep. (Still am actually. I got Pic off to sleep and here I am wide awake with a pulsing headache. Mayhap I shouldn't be here on the computer, yet here I am.) The movie was not quite what the slipcover represented. I meant to ask for movie recommendations before I was sent more movies. I rented I Heart Huckabees and I'm hoping it's worth the rental. (And, no, I've never seen it before.)

self-revelation: lit edition

I had never really thought about what draws me in about the literature I like. Okay, so that might not be entirely true. I know why I like some of what I like, but I've recently learned something more about my literary tastes: I like good characters. And, yes, "good" is entirely subjective, but I like characters that have some life to them. Characters with personality. Characters I can get attached to. Characters who I want to visit book after book after book. (Why, yes, I did just finish reading the Kinsey Millhone series again. And, as I said, "good" is subjective, but I like the characters in Grafton's books.)

I am right now reading a book I really thought I'd enjoy immensely. I like retellings (different perspectives, updated settings, so on) and I'm trudging through one right now. It's a subject I like, too. Something nerdy, where I can pick out all the references I actually get. The audience, I would guess, is preteen, so that might be part of the problem. However, I've read lit for this age group before, and very recently, not just when I was a preteen, and enjoyed it. With this book, though, I feel like I'm only allowed to skim along the surface of a very shallow pond. I don't feel connected to the characters. I feel the books is completely plot-driven, as if the writer is ticking off items on a list of points he wants to hit. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with plot-driven texts, as opposed to character-driven texts (or, as opposed to whatever driving forces there might be), but I realize that it's not for me.

Give me quirky, real, deep characters and I'll happily read about them doing the most mundane tasks.

(I'll have to keep all of this in mind should I ever decide to try my hand at writing fiction.)

So, I'm taking book suggestions now, please. Actually, I'm always taking book suggestions. I'm not sure exactly why, as my list of "to-read"s is about a gazillion books long, but I'm always eager to add to the list. I thank you kindly in advance.

a query from the clueless

Sometimes I think it's a wonder I get by. How do I know so little? Today, and for the last several days, I've been wondering about soda.

I stopped drinking soda in high school and then drank it for a few months when I was twenty-one and for about a month when I was pregnant (ginger ale...didn't work for the nausea). I haven't had it since then. I stopped drinking it as a reaction to a seemingly inconsequential remark from the person performing my physical to ensure I wouldn't die playing tennis or swimming in high school (or something). The person wasn't remarking on my body, wasn't telling me to lose weight, wasn't even telling me to change my diet*. She just said something about soda, something I can't even remember now, and I stopped drinking it. (I've never done this with any other consumable. Usually, when I tell myself I can't have something, five minutes later I'm craving it and ten minutes later I'm consuming it.)

So, my questions about soda. What's so bad about it? I think there's something about unnatural amounts of sugar (especially in the form of various corn syrups) and empty calories. But are all sodas considered equal? Are all sodas equally bad? What is the difference between soda and those fruit-juice-and-sparkling-water-combinations I keep seeing suggested for those trying to get away from soda?

This past weekend, we bought some Hansen's soda for a gathering and I compared the ingredients of one of those to a cola. The former seemed positively benign compared to the latter. I was tempted, but why even start? Why spend the money and calories on soda when there's ice cream?

Any answers for me?

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* I use the term "diet" as in the variety of foods/foodstuffs I consume. I don't mean it as in "lemonade diet" or some such thing. Also, I swear, I once worked with someone who was on some kind of lemonade diet. It was something like water, lemon juice, paprika or pepper flakes or some red spice, and sugar? It didn't sound good (or healthy).

this and that...and a question for you

So, we're going to try to be financially responsible this year. We're not horrible, but it's taken us years to become as responsible with money as we are (and we could definitely still use some work). This afternoon, I'm working on updating the budget and on balancing the books.

I've closed one of my credit card accounts, leaving me with only one! (Yes, this thought excites me.) I thought it would be difficult, that the company's representative would try to talk me into not closing the account, but that just didn't happen. Thanks be. I'm not sure what kind of negative effect closing the account will have on my credit, but I'm just not willing to keep an account open just to play the credit rating game. And, having the account open presents too much of a temptation, although it's a temptation we haven't fallen into in a while. The account was basically an annoying little bill (monthly fee for checking my credit...ha!) every month. A waste of money.

Now, if only I had a super-high-paying job that still allowed me the time to keep Pic out of school, I could pay off my biggest debt and all would be well in my financial world. I'm okay with the long term nature of that debt, though.

My goal for us is that we become those people who can actually set a goal and save the money to reach that goal. I'm mainly thinking in terms of travel here. We have never been those people and I've always been a bit disappointed in us because of it.

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Now for something completely different: I masticated a burnt peanut today. The shell was pretty dark and the peanut itself basically looked like a black bean, but I figured, "What the heck. How bad could this be." Ugh, ack, blech! Disgusting! I'm just using my experiential wisdom here to benefit anyone who might be reading this. Prego*.

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Enough of that. I'm pretty sure that our microwave broke yesterday. We barely use it anyway and we keep it unplugged when we're not using it, so it's not even good as a clock, but I'm not sure that I only want to have a rangetop and oven for heating food. So, what experience do you all have with toaster ovens? I've kind of wanted one for a while, but I really didn't want to own a toaster oven, a microwave and a toaster. I'm thinking that if we do get a toaster oven, we'll rid ourselves of our toaster that I can no longer clean all of the crumbs out of.

So, toaster oven? Thoughts, please.

Grazie.

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* Yes, I know, it looks like I'm suddenly interjecting pasta sauces here, but "prego" is "you're welcome" in Italian. Seriously.

paper or plastic?*

I am, once again, considering closing one of my credit accounts. I have two credit cards and I don't want either of them, but I'm strangely afraid to not have any credit cards. So, I'm asking for opinions today: should I close the account that has the higher (oh-so-freaking-sky-high) interest rate? Are there any arguments for keeping open credit card accounts? All I keep thinking is, "What if I need that credit card for something?"

As far as I know, my parents haven't had/used credit cards for about fifteen years (I could be wrong), so I know it's possible to get by without. Let me step back a moment, so I don't sound entirely too silly: I know there are many, many people who don't have credit cards. It's just that I don't usually talk to people about their finances. I hope I'm not asking something too uncomfortable here, but I feel like I need some more input before I cancel the account and cut up the card.

I thank you in advance for any input. Grazie, gracias, thanks!

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* We tend to use our debit cards more often than we use cash, but "plastic or plastic?" just doesn't quite work. So, for the purposes of this, let us pretend that plastic = credit cards and paper = debit/cash. I thank you.

it's alive!...

...barely.

I have dived (oh, please let that be correct...I have doven, um, no) into water so deep and murky that I cannot see the surface. Okay, I'm being entirely too over-dramatic here. I could probably very easily keep my head above water, if only I stopped a moment to stand up and take a breath. However, I feel that I've been on a kind of drone-autopilot setting for the last couple of months. I am not happy with the situation and I'm thinking about ways to make some changes. Suggestions for someone who is entirely over-educated and under-experienced for just about anything are welcome. And, when I call for suggestions, I am looking for ways I can provide a tiny bit financially for our tiny family. I am used to making tiny, pretty-much-inconsequential amounts of money, but I do need to be able to make enough to pay for my vast amounts of highly-relevant-to-all-aspects-of-my-life education. (I kind of kid. I enjoyed my time in higher education. I just wonder, sometimes, if I should have done a lot very differently. Then, I remind myself that isn't even a choice, so I should focus on right now. Yes.)

I plan to be in a much different position next year and for many of the following years. I want to be able to embrace the ideas we've decided are best for our family, instead of freaking out and deciding to take on entirely too much of what I don't want because that is what's familiar to me. Ugh.

On the life learning front, by the end of this month, I will have much to share. October has been, and will continue to be, full of homeschool-group activities. Thanks be for our homeschooling group. We would not have traveled in this direction had we not found and been embraced by the group.

For the next many months, though, I'll be back to my old standby of counting down the days until I'm finished with my current obligations. In high school, my teachers would consult with me about how many days we had remaining of the year. I didn't mind the countdowns then. Now, though, I realize I'm not living life the way I want to be, I'm almost constantly focused on either tiny bits of the present or on our big dreams for the future. I'd like to be back in a place where I'm focusing on the big picture that represents right freaking now.

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I would add some music to this post, as I've had a bit of a soundtrack going through my head as I've whined and fretted, but I'm using not-my-computer and I can't get the audio to work, so I can't hear the songs first to confirm they're the ones I want. I'll include the songs later...maybe.

on balance

Like many others I know, I have a problem with achieving a workable balance in my life. Right now, this is a particularly big challenge for me.

We will be working around several different schedules for the next several months. Then, we'll have a bit of a reprieve. Then, another several months of wonkiness. During this time, my main goal for myself is going to be to successfully move from one activity/one identity to the next without completely shutting down.

So, herein, I am asking for a bit of assistance of the cooking variety. Do you have any go-to meals or foods to make and freeze? Do you have any go-to cookbooks for such? We have a great, giant freezer in our garage and it is crying out to be filled with things delicious and nutritious (they don't necessarily have to taste just like chicken, mind you). Please advise.

Grazie mille.

it's a date

Yesterday, Cardo and I did a bit of anniversary celebrating. (Our wedding anniversary just past and the anniversary of us as an 'us' is upcoming very shortly.) This was a bit of impromptu celebrating: we were browsing the RN&R in the morning and saw a screenshot of part of Inception. I told Cardo that a few people had mentioned that they liked the movie and he said he was interested in seeing it. Pic took one look at the picture, in which two characters are brandishing guns, and informed us, 'You want to watch a scary movie. I will stay at Ms F's.' Cardo and I were fortunate in that Ms F promptly agreed to host Pic for the night. Spontaneous date night! Awesome!

I should mention that Cardo and I are completely inept when it comes to picking out movies to view in the theatre. This always leaves me especially disappointed for several reasons. I don't like to spend money on movie tickets and I like it even less when I don't even enjoy the film. I don't like the smell (or the taste) of (incredibly, fantastically overpriced) movie theatre popcorn. Movie theatres are eardrum-assultingly loud. I could be reading rather than watching He's Just Not That Into You. I don't like to not talk during a movie; in fact, I'm not capable of not talking during a movie. Wow. Don't you just want to invite me to see a movie now? Yeah, thought not.

I think last night's movie worked out well for a couple of reasons. It was such an unexpected date night that it had a kind of surreal and wonderful quality to it. I was bound to enjoy myself. Also, I knew absolutely nothing about the movie, except that Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were in it. (This was neutral information. I don't have strong feelings about either actor.) While we were looking at the RN&R earlier that morning, I only incredibly briefly scanned Inception's review and I noticed their names. I didn't even look at the picture closely. I liked having almost no expectations of the movie. I just knew a few other people I know had liked it. Enough for me. I'll watch this again at some point. I think it deserves more than one viewing. I'm going to remain vague about the movie and leave it at that.

In somewhat unrelated otherness, I am on a reinvigorated Beatles kick. I have been wanting to listen to all Beatles all the time here. And, this leads me to want to see Across the Universe for a second time. I was hoping it'd still be available on Netflix's instant play thing. Alas, no. In the meantime, I'll sate this craving with bits and clips from youtube.

What else would you recommend I see? Any other movies worthy of a couple of hours of (kind of) undivided attention?

what's the deal with...

...cooking spray?

Lots of the recipes I have call for it, but I don't have it. It's been at least half-a-year since I've had any. We use the oil painting method here at La Casa B -- I put a bit of vegetable oil in a teacup and I let Pic use the pastry brush to coat whatever we're coating. Are there times this is going to be something I regret? Is cooking spray really necessary? I don't have a can handy, as I said, so I can't check the label, but what's in it anyhow?

Thanks much for your insights!

some like it hot...

...and others do not. I'm not a fan of the heat. I know that people in Vegas and other such hot places are probably scoffing at my complaining about 93 degrees, but here I am doing it. It's hot out there and it's hot in here (the thermostat is reading 86 degrees in my home). Whaa, whaa. (That's mean being whiny. Really. I have no idea how to spell whining noises.)

So, what are we going to do? After today, which is a day to lounge around home and melt into the furniture, we'll be visiting the pool often. We'll also be hanging out at the library very often during the hot hours of the day. (If only the library were still open seven days a week.) During the earlier and later hours of the day, we'll be outdoors.

What more? What are you all doing to keep cool this summer. (I know, some of you are probably thinking, "Turning on the air conditioning," but we're avoiding that while we can. We'll see how long we last.)

please advise: what's new?

Sometimes, I just want to put a question out here in the ether. So, here's something I've been thinking about lately: Where do you all turn for your news?

I've been very secluded lately. I get most of my information from NPR (either online or actually on the radio). But, really, I want to know some other reliable sources for daily news. Suggestions very warmly welcomed.

(Oh, I also read Time when I can check it out from the library. I'm not a fan of Newsweek. Just in case either of those were going to be suggestions.)

Grazie mille!


"Newsies: Once and For All"

everybody's working for the weekend

I feel that for the past several months, I've been existing simply to reach Fridays. I think, Ah, Friday. We'll spend some quality family time together. We'll run some errands. I'll get stuff done and feel relaxed when the weekend comes to a close. So, yes, we do spend lots and lots of quality family time together (I desperately cling to that in these few months before our family dynamic shifts in a way I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with or ready for) and we do run a few errands, but I haven't felt relaxed at all in a very long time.

We somehow manage to wander around, doing little errands, but neglecting to go grocery shopping (which lead to me eating some very questionable left-over couscous for dinner last night). At the end of each weekend, I feel myself longing for just a bit more time.

A couple of weeks from now will mark the first time in two-and-a-half decades that I've gone a full year without being a full-time student. I took off one semester after Pic was born. The plan was for me to take an entire year, but I wasn't capable of taking a full year.

I need to be busy. I need to be doing. I worry about my inability to just chill out, to spend some quiet time figuring out what to do next, but bills keep coming and life keeps moving and I feel at a standstill. (I'm pretty sure I sound like I just contradicted myself there. It is definitely possible for me to be at a standstill in my life and feel not at all chill at the same time.)

When my hours aren't filled, I am at a loss about what I should do, so I shut down. Not good. (Probably also not good is my sleeping something of an average of four hours a night when I was a grad student/teacher, but I (barely) survived that.)

So, for now, I feel that I'm muddling my way through the week, hoping for the weekend when Cardo will be off and available for me to pester full-time for two whole days. I'm sure he truly relishes this.

In the past few days, I have been presented a couple of opportunities for the coming year. Neither are perfect as I'm imagining perfection to be, but they are something. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have no sense of direction and here I stand with no map. I don't even have a set of "turn left at the second dead tree" kind of directions.

Anyone interested in doling out advice that I might or might not use to act on? This would require some one-on-one time, but I feel that I need actual feedback because this floundering around lost stuff just isn't working for me.

[A lot of this is always brewing in my head, but I've especially been mulling over Coach J's "The Right 'Stuff'" since the moment I read it. I love when a piece of writing sticks with me and forces me to think.]

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Wow, I meant to write a post joking about Cinco de Mayo and the fact that Cardo is baffled that that's something "we"* celebrate here, but instead that gush of crap emerged instead. Sorry.

* We, as in our family, does not celebrate this commemoration of Mexico's defeat of the French at Puebla (a battle in a war Mexico lost, by the way). I didn't really know anything about this holiday until Cardo explained it to me. I have no idea what I thought it was about when I was younger.

recycling-bin diving?

Cardo just brought home a big trash can so we can start composting. (Right now, we've been saving our foodstuffs in a bag hanging from the grill on the back patio.) We're completely new at this, so we'll see how it goes. I've been reading enough about it lately that I just can't not give it a try.

So, we were out for a walk today and the area we were in is having their garbage and recycling picked up tomorrow. Many had already set out their trash cans and recycling bins. In front of a couple of houses we passed, piles of black garbage bags were lined up. I'm guessing these were full of lawn clippings, but I wasn't adventurous enough to peek. In front of a couple of more houses were recycling bins full of newspapers and paper bags. I really wanted those newspapers, or brown waste (I'm trying to learn the jargon). I didn't take them.

What I am wondering: Is it okay to take stuff from someone's recycling? The person who put it there obviously didn't have any further need for it. Should I go knock on the door and ask? What do you think?

it's just one of those days...

...that a girl goes through/when I'm angry inside/don't wanna take it out on you. [Why yes, that song does still occasionally get stuck in my head all these years later. I can't believe that I still know it as well as I do and that I'm admitting so much here.]

It has definitely been one of those days. I've always kind of suspected that Monica was singing to a lover, but my angst is more of a general thing. I've been at the brink of my breaking point for, I don't know, a couple of weeks now. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin (which is an absolutely disgusting prospect, but there you have it). I can't fall asleep, but I want to sleep all of the time. I can't seem to nail down any kind of a schedule. I don't have a moment that really feels all my own (even right now, when Pic is supposed to be resting, she's making very loud monkey noises in the other room). I feel like days are flying by and I'm accomplishing nothing at all in that time.

I need a bit of time to myself. I finally told this to Cardo and then what do I do? I automatically take back that request. He proposed taking her to a friend's house Saturday morning because he's going out, and I automatically said, "No, nevermind, it's okay." But it's not. I'm just so ridiculously restless that I both want to have some time alone and I don't. Actually, that's not true. I want some time alone, but I also want family time when Cardo is home. After he gets home and we eat dinner and play/walk/ride bikes outside, it's late and we start settling in. And, then, a whole day is, once again, gone. I hate to ask for time for myself. I know I'm not alone in this, as I've had many, many discussions with Auntie L regarding just this topic. While I know that a happy and sane mamma is essential to a happy and sane family, I feel selfish even wanting a break. ("From what?" I ask myself, a non-paycheck-earning person. Then I become upset because it's not like I do nothing all day, even though I feel like that's the case lately. Ugh and grrr.)

I'm not sure what this is about. It feels like cabin fever, except we are getting out. We get outside every day for at least an hour. Yet, I still feel like I'm losing it here.

So, I'm looking for suggestions for places for me to go hang out by myself. I feel weird going to the park alone because that's something we do as a family. I'm thinking maybe coffeehouse to curl up and read or stare mindlessly out of the window. What do you all do just for yourselves?

This definitely feels like a night when I want to call Cardo and ask him to pick me up a pint of Ben & Jerry's on his way home. (Were I a drinker, it'd be a pint of something much stronger than ice cream).


"Monica - Don't Take It Personal (Just One of Dem Days)" [Check out the cell phone!]

happy ides of april...and, finally, an april resolution

I hope all of your tax preparing and submitting has gone well. For the first time, we made a mistake and somehow overlooked sending in two forms. We fill out and send in our tax forms early, though, so we still had everything sent out on time. Now, we're just waiting to hear back; we're hoping we didn't forget any other necessary items.

So, on to my April resolution. Actually, it isn't just for April. It's more of an ongoing project. Ongoing as in it's been going on for almost a decade now. What can we possibly have been working on for such a rather long time? Budgeting. Ah, yes. Fun with money (or, not so much fun with not so much money...something like that).

Over the years, Cardo and I have worked hard to become more responsible with our income. We've definitely earned more in years gone by, but I feel that we're definitely happier right now, even with my continuing struggle with depression brought about, in part, by money woes.

We're much, much better about eating at home, both because that saves us money and because it definitely helps us eat better. (I think we're both much healthier now than we were all those years ago when we got together, back in our heyday of eating out and not really being conscious of what we were even eating.) We buy less, stuff, we reuse a lot of stuff. To quote Yul Brenner's King, "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." So, we've got a lot of the basics down.

Yet, I still get tense when looking at our finances. I hate filling out the checkbook (and it's so easy not to when we can keep track of our balance online, but I'm still making an effort). And, ah Savings*, o how I miss you. Enough said about Savings (we don't get along all that well).

So, what I'm wondering now is: How do you all budget. What kinds of techniques work for you? I don't mean the very basic, "Don't spend more than you earn," because I get that already. I'm wondering more about specifics (specific techniques, not specifics about your finances).

Also, I'm wondering about cell phones. For those of you who own and use cell phones: Is there anyone who doesn't pay a ridiculous amount of money per month for his or her cell phone plan? We've looked into getting a plan with less minutes (we only once used up our minutes -- we went over and regretted it big time), but it would actually cost us more. I barely use my phone. We still have a landline, so it's not as if getting rid of my cell would leave me with no phone. (We looked into getting rid of the landline once, but we'd pay more for web** connection alone than we do for web and phone.) The thing is, though, that I like to have a cell phone just in case. This might be due to wonderful marketing in that I now believe I need my phone. Hmm***. Anyhow, I know Cardo does not want to be without his phone.

So, I know I just kind of blocked all bits of advice someone might have to offer. I'll probably just have to deal with the costs. Ugh. However, I'm still asking for advice regarding the phone issue and budgeting in general...please and thank you.

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*In case you might think I'm doing that random capitalization thing, I'm employing personification here. Just clearing that up.

**As I was lying (laying? I can never, ever remember) awake last night, I was thinking of the old moniker Information Super-Highway and I thought I might begin calling this here interweb the ISH.

***I could get rid of my cell and try using pay phones when I'm out and I need to make a phone call...NOT! A few months back, Pic and I went out for a walk and we were waiting for Cardo to pick us up on his way home from work. I had my cell with me, but my battery died while we were out. I had to get change for a pay phone and then I had to actually find a pay phone (good freaking luck). I finally found a pay phone and it was broken. Pic and I just ended up walking home, but Cardo was none too happy that he wasn't sure where we were and where to pick us up.

o, to be that proverbial ostrich*

There are times when I really want to live the "ignorance is bliss" kind of lifestyle. Sometimes I just want to keep my head down, go about my daily business (much walking, much book-reading, much child-nurturing) and ignore much of the rest of the world. Generally, I want to believe that most people are good, most people are decent. I think the web does something to people. I know there are things I don't say here because those words could (possibly) reach such a vast audience. Even though I don't use my name here, I strive to keep this a space any person can feel comfortable visiting. However, there seem to be a lot of people who feel no compunction spreading hurtful and hateful words, possibly because they can remain anonymous here. (I've read plenty of articles, posts and comments on the anonymity of the web and the way that plays out. I'm sure, if you're interested, you can find plenty of reading material on the subject. Even without having read any of that, though, I have to wonder if people who are so incredibly mean here in cyberspace would ever really walk into a group of thousands of strangers and spout what they feel so comfortable spouting here. Think about that for a moment.)

I pointed out an instance of this kind of hateful/hurtful speech when I was talking about cloth wipes. I've come across it again, in many, many responses to this article on a desire to create a state militia in Oklahoma to protect against an overarching federal government. (I am trying to word this part neutrally.) I don't want to comment on the article itself, but on the comments. This is again an instance where I believe intelligent conversation and debate could take place, but where that has seemed to have largely failed. I started reading the comments, hoping to understand what others thought of this idea, but fearing that there would be a lot of viciousness. And, viciousness there is.

I did not, by any means, read all of the comments. At the time I'm posting this, there are already 5978 comments and I just cannot read that many. First, I don't have the time. Second, I don't have the stamina, I suppose I'll call it.

I cringe even reading the words "teatard" and "libtard" (I don't believe using words like "retard" and "gay" to represent something undesirable is even slightly okay). In the comments, Democrats and liberals are described more than once as cannibals who will either eat their own young or eat the young of others (I didn't know this "argument" was even being hurled around and I don't understand what is behind it). Obama was referred to, by one commenter, as Sadom Obamma (except, it was all upper-case). All Oklahomans have been grouped together as like-minded and in support of this militia idea by quite a few commenters who seem to think it's okay to call them "crackers," "rednecks" and "inbreeders."

I have to say that I did see some more useful discussion going on also. One commenter asks what the militia will be protecting against and the question does lead to at least some on-topic discussion. Some go so far as to actually quote the Constitution (thanks be, because I have a real problem with people calling on the Constitution without being able to point to a place in the Constitution to back up their arguments). And, I saw a few times people calling on us to vote. I've always kind of liked the argument that you can't complain about what the government does if you don't vote. I also believe, though, that we can all complain or compliment as much as we like, regardless of whether we voted, considering our right to free speech. However, I have to agree with those who would like us to exercise our voting rights before we shoot one another (something discussed by more than one commenter).

I can't write on this anymore. I've already spent an hour reading through comments on that article. (An hour, I know.) I come away from experiences like this disenheartened. I feel sad that there is so much hatred. I like to believe that I'm not that naive, but, at the same time, I try to mainly ignore the hatred that can seem so prevalent. I've been hurt enough by thoughtless, angry, mean actions. I've known of the hurt others have felt enough. I will never understand why some feel the need to be so cruel. I know that this will make me seem like a wide-eyed rosy-shades wearer, but sometimes this is the only way I get by. But, there has to be so much more.

So, I'll end with asking you all: what do we do? How do I get involved in a way that makes me feel like I'm helping and making a positive difference? How do I reach a point where I don't feel like I want to just check out of the human race? How do I reach a point where I don't question having brought a child into a world where such hatred is possible? (I know that I could easily start with not reading these comment threads. Most of the time I don't read them. I wanted what I consider to be real discussion.)

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* According to National Geographic, ostriches do not stick their heads in the sand.