pre-dawn

I stepped outside this morning, jacket on, smoothie in my hand, laden down with books and papers. The sky was dark but the air wasn't as cold as I expected. I spotted a light or two in the houses I passed. A shower was running as someone prepared for the day.

The sun didn't crest the mountains until I was only about fifteen minutes from my destination.

And, here's what I figured: my perfect day would include me being awake when the sun and stars change places overhead. I love being up so early in the morning, before my little bit of the world is really stirring. This so seldom happens, though, as I'm much more likely to be up all night long and sleep well into the daylight hours. I do so love being up late into the night when my little world is mostly resting.

So, my perfect day, as I imagined it this morning would be waking up before sunrise, taking a walk, coming awake slowly; napping in the middle of the day or in the late afternoon; walking again; falling into bed late in the wee hours. I'd probably have to do a few things in addition to walking, so I'm thinking some reading and writing, baking and craft-learning, and whatnot should be included.

How do I sign myself up for this?

plans for the weekend

* eat 9,000 blackened marshmallows...and nothing else (oh, buddy, am I going to be sick)

* work on puzzle-book puzzles (because, yes, I am a nerd)

* take the dog to the carwash that has a dog-cleaning station (phew, she stinks!)

* read and write (no arithmetic...I don't think)

dreaming

Last night -- or, rather, this morning -- I was having an especially difficult time falling asleep. (Big shock, I know.) The fan whooshed cool air over us while the cat roamed the condo and Pic had a conversation in her sleep. After I finally did manage to drift off, I dreamt of being stuck in my favorite neighborhood ever. Only, it wasn't a good thing. It was a dream full of weird, anxiety-inducing images and ideas that stifled my breath: a missing Cardo, downed trees, a cross mamma (me), freeways where they shouldn't be, cars that had no brakes.

I am blaming my current inability to sleep, along with my continually upset stomach, on my current reliance on acetaminophen. I have never taken so much in my life. And, I'm not even taking the maximum amount recommended/allowed. Yesterday, I figured I could go without, but by six in the evening, I was ready to scream in pain and frustration because my jaw hurts. I go back in to the dentist tomorrow and I'm going to see if they can just...get rid of it [my jaw]*, or something. (Okay, not really, because that'd be a whole different nightmare, but I despise taking medication, even of the most banal variety, but I also despise the pain. At the same time, I do realize that this pain is nothing compared to what many, many others experience in their lives, and, for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful, but whiney.)

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In the meantime, Pic is daydreaming about hook contraptions so she can fly around the living room, fully-costumed complete with wings and tapping shoes (as she calls high heels). She's dreaming about making sequels to the movies she enjoys. She's constantly entertaining me with dance performance after dance performance as I try to complete the Puzzle That Would Defeat Me.

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* Whenever Pic is hurting somewhere I jokingly suggest we replace the body part, but she never takes me up on it.

psa

So, we have family health and wellness plans for the summer. Cardo has finally, finally, finally come around to the idea of practicing yoga with me. His proposal is alternating Wing Chun with yoga and I'm all for that. Of course, for us all to be able to practice, we'll have to learn routines well enough to not have to be confined to small spaces in front of screens. We're thinking once we know what we're doing well enough, we'll practice in the park. (I'm attempting not to cringe at the thought of practicing out in a very public place, but I'm also looking forward to practicing in a place outside, a place I love so much.) Really, though, Pic and I end up kicking each other when we practice pilates here in the living room and adding another full-grown adult into the mix just isn't going to work all that well.

Okay, I realize I've gone on and one and that definitely wasn't the PSA part. Barefoot Yoga is holding a 20%-off sale for everything until the 27th, in honor of Earth Day (actually, Earth Month). I just ordered Cardo and Pic their first mats. I know mats can be had for much less at places like Ross, but I find it a bit contradictory to practice yoga or pilates on a mat that's rife with phthalates and formaldehyde and PCBs and such. (However, we're still working on our own budgeting, so I ordered them the least expensive mats available. Pic chose the color of hers and I guessed on Cardo's. When he got home, he confirmed my guess.)

What more? Just a quick reminder that the Earth Day celebration at Idlewild will be held this coming Sunday from 11-4. (I'm guess EcoNet decided to defer to the Easter-celebrants?)

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And, on a more personal note, as long as I'm mentioning ordering stuff: I've ordered a phone battery and it should be here by Tuesday. I hope. I have been without a cell for over two weeks now. It hasn't been terrible and the longer I don't have it, the more I don't feel I need it (imagine that). All the same, I would like to have the convenience back in time for this summer, which is when Pic and I plan to do much wandering.

I apologize if you've called my cell and haven't heard back from me. I've had my phone for a good long time (in cell years) and I really didn't want a new one. I think I've had it about five years now? The battery finally decided to get all weird and puffy and the phone completely stopped working. I'm hoping that replacing the battery will do the trick. We'll see.

book obsession

La settimana passata, ho trovato due libri in italiano. (Hey, look, I kind of, almost remember stuff from my Italian classes all those years ago!)

It's so very difficult for me to get my hands on Italian books. I'm feeling like I'd like to visit Italy and do some serious book shopping. I'd like to visit the idealized Italy in my mind. I'll travel with ease, be welcomed by the people I meet and perhaps even find some relatives. I'll eat fabulous food and become wonderfully fluent in Italian, which I think is a beautiful language.*

So, international travel to a place where I'm not entirely sure about accepted customs and where I'm not fluent in the language? Who's with me?

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* I love the movie A Fish Called Wanda but I cringe every time Archie Leach calls Italian such an ugly language.

sleep, and the lack thereof

Oh, I am right now thinking that if I could just stay awake every night, five nights in a row and then sleep some on weekends, that would be very nice. Actually, no, I need to be more specific: I still need to be able to function at a very high level. Okay, then, Universe, I've put it out there. So much more to do before I sleep. And, silly me, I tried to take a nap earlier, but my child (who is cozily tucked into bed, snoozing away right now) bounced off of the furniture and played with every noise-making device she could find earlier...for an hour. I really am feeling for my mom who used to work nights and had to try sleeping during the day while my sister and I tromped through our house.

I have five weeks of this very intense schedule left. Then... Cardo jokes that I'll be moaning about not contributing enough about five weeks after that. I'll try my best not to. O, Balance, why are you so elusive?

I have big plans, though, for my post-packed-schedule time. Oh, yes. Our dearly beloved friends just welcomed their first child, Baby H, to the big, bright world on Saturday and we'll be visiting often. After Pic was born, I felt very isolated for about two years, almost entirely because of my own insecurities and inability to, well, invite people over or to actually go out with people, and I'm on a mission to make sure that Auntie C, who has been fabulous over the years, doesn't feel that way. (Not that she would, but it's a good excuse to hang out and enjoy other people's babies.)

Actually, if you're near, we'll be trying to visit many more people when our time is a lot more freed up. We have another set of friends who welcomed a new addition to their family about five weeks ago and we've been enjoying time with him. He and his siblings will be seeing much more of us in the somewhat near future, too, methinks. (You know who you are and I'm considering you sufficiently warned. Park days?)

Okay, so I have some work to do before I sleep, so I should probably get on that and stop rambling about taking up all the time of people who probably have plenty already to take up their time. Yeah.

when harry met kinsey

I've been so restless lately, dreaming about finishing up obligations that haven't really started so I can move on to more dreamy endeavors.

I am yearning for warmer days when I only need a windbreaker at most. I miss my sandals and being able to walk around without three layers of clothes and at least one pair of socks in the condo. I want to be able to spend seven hours outside without freezing into a human popsicle.

And, I can't stand when I do this: wish away the days. I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm trying to remind myself to savor each moment of each day, but I'm just sucking at that lately.

I have been doing a lot of reading, though. There are about a million billion zillion books I want to get to, but at times like these, I fall back on the familiar. I have made it through "F" in the Kinsey Millhone series and I think that's about as far as I'm going to get for now. I have a lot of required reading that I'm also doing and I need to pick that up even more. So, for the next five months or so, I'll be sticking to a required reading list. Ah, well.

Sometimes I'll be traipsing around here on the interweb and I'll see that others sometimes resolve to or wish to read more. There are moments when I'm so overwhelmed that I almost (almost) wish to read less. I have read about eight of my own books in the last month. This afternoon, Pic and I read for about an hour-and-a-half.

Among other books, we read I Miss You, Stinky Face written by Lisa McCourt and illustrated by Cyd Moore, which I love. I love the imagination on both the part of the child and on the part of the mamma. And, I love the illustrations. Lots of love here. I'd really like to know why "Stinky Face," though. Hmmm.

Pic is also very into Smelly Socks written by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Michael Martchenko. This is not one of my favorites, but I'm really trying to be very hands off when it comes to what Pic chooses to read. The pictures are nice and bright, but I'm just not that into the story. I do so very much love Munsch's The Paper Bag Princess, though. (And, I like Martchenko's illustrations there more.) I'm definitely not one of the many, many fans of Love You Forever. The mom creeping across the bedroom floor freaks me out more than I can convey. I glanced at a few of the amazon reviews (too many to even begin making a dent there) and some people were upset that others didn't like it, saying that we dissenters were reading the book too literally and that it's just a representation of unconditional love on the mother's part. However, it's presented as literal...there she is creeping across the floor. And, that image brings to mind The Yellow Wallpaper, which, I've admitted before, is the scariest thing I've ever read. (Do I have a nice set of my very own issues? Why, yes, I do. I'm glad the so many love Love You Forever, but I'll continue to steer clear of it.)

So, as I said, I'm attempting to just let Pic find her own when it comes to reading material, although I will let her know when I really don't like a book or character (hello, Dora the Explorer, I'm looking at you). I'll read those books once, if asked, and then move on.

Anyhow, Cardo's new thrift shop scavenger hunt entails finding all of the available Harry Potter movies on DVD. He only has the first two, I believe. In the meantime (in between time), he's renting the others from Netflix. Last night, we watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Actually, it was more like he watched it and I tried not to. I have a hard time not pointing out where the movies diverge from the books (just ask Cardo...I'm sure it's his favorite part of watching the movies with me). I think he's finally, finally convinced that he wants to hear the books in full. I have no idea how long the wait is for the libraries' copies of the Jim Dale audio versions and I'm thinking these are items we just might end up buying new (gasp!). Actually, we can probably find some decent used ones online somewhere.

(If you haven't read/viewed the Harry Potters and you plan to, you might want to skip below in case I give something away that you didn't want to know beforehand. In other words, there might be spoilers forthcoming.)

Last night, though, I just couldn't get over how subdued some of the parts of the movies were. The beginning of Order of the Phoenix, for example, with the dementor attack. I thought everything would be much more frantic. And, Mrs Figg was way more laid back than she ever is when I read the books. And, when Ron drinks the poison in Slughorn's office? I would have been freaking the crap out if Poke had just been poisoned. (It may be that I'm just a tad overly dramatic, no?)

We made it partway through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince before Cardo declared he was heading off to bed. We might watch the rest this evening. Give me about five more months and I'll sit down and read the books again. (I thought I might do that this month, but I opted for Kinsey instead.)

dream a little dream

It's funny to me how our family daydreaming shifts, and how my own daydreaming shifts.

So many years ago, I dreamt of Pic reaching school age and us dropping her off in her little classroom. Cardo and I do most of our dreaming together and I remember autumn days, walking through little neighborhoods, imagining Pic coming home from school with art projects, tales of new friends and reports of new favorite books.

I imagined visiting Pic's classroom: a low-ceilinged room with a row of windows and painted cinderblock walls. The bulletin boards would be covered in maps and pictures and written projects. There would be bookshelves full of well-loved, dog-eared books near the reading rug. Tiny desks would be stuffed with crayons, papers and pencils. A big cabinet would sit off to the side, and it would be full of paint pots, glue, safety scissors and construction paper. Cubbies would hold lunch boxes and thermoses, gloves and hats.

When we contemplated neighborhoods we might want to one day move to, we wondered whether the schools were any good (although, honestly, we never thought too much about that).

These visions no longer reflect what we want, though. Less than six months ago, we decided we weren't sending Pic off to school. It's taken a bit for us to grow into this decision, but I'm more comfortable with and excited about the decision every day.

Most of our ideas about what we want in a home remain, without the niggling concern about where nice, close schools are.

Now, instead, we daydream about a library in our home -- a room full of natural light and built-in bookcases. I'd like a space on one wall to display Pic's work (and, perhaps, my own). We dream of a warm hearth around which we can spend cozy evenings, reading, playing board games or watching movies together. Plenty more little dreams fill this imaginary space.

It's both scary and exciting to think about the options we have in deciding where our lives are going. Scary because I (let myself) become overwhelmed when I have too many options, when there seems to be a gaping maw of space in front of me rather than a clearly defined path.

In the meantime, we'll continue to walk down familiar local paths while our thoughts soar.

compartmentalizing

We need to hire Gary Chang to design a library for us.


"A Tiny Apartment Transforms into 24 Rooms"*
Awesome!

Or, we might hire Dean Proffitt. (I can't find video of the closet with the revolving shoe rack. How can that be, Interweb?)

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* I found this on Lovely Listing.

i'm dreaming of...

* built-in bookcases

* solar tubes

* fruit trees

* colorful walls

* a warm hearth

* a front porch

* time spent enjoying the above

thoughts on a cold day

[I wrote this on Tuesday morning.]

I’ve been sitting in a warm coffeehouse for the last two hours. Outside the glass doors, the snow is blowing from west to east. I don’t see any actually falling – it’s just swirling around.

To my left, someone sings loudly and off-key. A minute ago, he declared to his friend that the War of 1812 was fought “on the Pacific coast” and that it was “fought between America and Spain.” His friend is creating US history worksheets for a high school class. “I might be wrong about that, though,” the singer concedes. I think the War of 1812 is the war in which the British burned the White House. I make a mental note to look up the war when I get home. I think the Madisons were the White House residents at the time.

“Hallelujah” plays on the overhead speakers. I want to sing along, but I don’t know the words well enough.

I should be doing more work, but I’m contemplating my future. I’m back to wondering what my dream job is and if I can, or want to, pursue it.

I wonder who might pay me to be a scholar? Who might pay me to read? Who might pay me to write?

I hope I live to old age, especially because it might take me many, many more years to figure this all out.

I look out the doors again and the wind is more blustery. I want to be at home before dark tonight, but I know that won’t happen. I’m not looking forward to my walk back down to my building. I have my coat, scarf and gloves today. I wore my snow boots. Cardo is trying to pawn his snow bots off on me, but I’m happy with mine. In an attempt to curb the volume of my possessions, I’ve vowed to give away a similar item whenever I get something new (books excepted, of course). If I get his boots, I have to give mine away.

Anyhow, I should be working, not staring off into space. I’ve got a long night ahead. I’ve reached the part of my work schedule where I only sleep every other night. This makes Cardo crazy. For the collective sanity of my family, I’ve vowed to not set myself up in a similar situation next year. Now I’m back to pondering dream jobs.

And, now, I’m heading back into the Land of Productivity.

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"Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen"


"Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah (Original Studio Version)"

daydreaming

I only need to get through about thirty-nine more days until I can indulge in a day of complete relaxation. What I'm looking forward to:

* staying in my pajamas all day (unless we indulge in a little 5th St. Bakehouse, then I'll get dressed)
* breaking out a new word puzzle book
* reading many, many books with Pic
* not planning, responding, evaluating, gathering materials for the upcoming days

Of course, about forty days from now, all that stuff in the last bullet point starts all over again. Ah, well.

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When I think about daydreaming (whoa!* how very metacognitive), this song gets stuck in my head:

"daydreamin (the ostrich song)"

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* In my head, that "whoa!" is a la Joey from Blossom. -- Now, I think I've proved I'm entirely too tired to function well right now. Off to bed. G'night.

sunshine...one day

So, at some point it might be what retailers refer to as 'swimsuit season.' Here, now, we are so not there yet. During the warm months, we plan on spending a lot of time in the pool, slathered in sunblock, soaking up the chlorine, much like we did last year. We all donned our swimsuits last night for a dip in the hotel pool (we were out of town for a tiny moment). Pic's and my swimsuits are in woeful states. Really, they cause me sorrow. Okay, not really, but they are really stretched out, which is a bit of insight into just how much time we spent in the pool last year. (Actually, Pic has been wearing the same suit for the last two years and it's comically droopy at this point.)

I'm on the lookout for a new suit. I'm not good at swimsuit shopping (is anyone?). It's not so much the seeing myself in a swimsuit thing, although it's definitely partly that, it's the price. I hate spending a bunch of money on something I'll wear a whole bunch, but only for a few months. Perhaps I should just get over this. But, I probably won't. Ah, well.

I've been browsing here on the interweb for at least something cute (something I would actually wear and that I consider cute, just to clarify). I currently have a two-piece suit: the top is basically a tank top with spaghetti straps. The bottom is a regular bottom that is covered over with a (short) skirt. It looked like a one-piece when I bought it. It's so stretched out now, though, that when I swim in it, the top part keeps floating up (as fortune has it, there's a bra-type thing in the top, so I'm not completely flashing everyone). I think I actually owned a two-piece that had two distinct pieces when I was a wee lass, but not anytime within the last two decades.

I'm really liking swimdresses right now. I was just browsing on Newport News* to see what they had to offer. Some things I like [all images are from the website]:


I like the cut of this top, but not the color.


I like these colors, and I am, at this moment, liking this whole belted-swimsuit thing. I'd definitely have to attach the string to the top. (I get very paranoid when it comes to completely strapless tops, especially those I'll be swimming in.)


Some boyshorts for the above top. The shorts are a bit short.


I'm not really digging the color here, but the suit is kind of fun.


Another belt! I'd love this in another pattern or like a royal blue or a deep, bright green.


If those long, woolen bathing suits of old weren't so absolutely ridiculous and death-trap-seeming, I'd probably wear one of those.


You can buy this! Here! I swear I won't buy it.
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* I once bought a really cute two-piece bathing suit from them. The top was way too small and I never got around to returning it. Someone else ended up with the suit. So, I guess I did own a two-piece-looking-two-piece, um, thirteen years ago, but I never wore it out.

what if...?

The most recent momversation has me thinking, remembering.


Life Choices: What Would You Be Doing if You Weren't a Mom?

I'm not really one for "What if things in the past had been different? What if I had made different choices?" I don't see much point in thinking that way, other than, possibly, enriching my imagination skills. Things are the way they are because of the decisions that I and others have made.

That said, Cardo and I did have plans in case we never became parents. We were both convinced that there was a strong possibility that we might not be able to conceive (a conviction that was proven completely incorrect about fifteen minutes after we decided to test it).

Had we not been able to have kids, we were going to travel. That's it. We'd still work and possibly things would be a bit different than they are now in that arena, but possibly not. All we wanted was to travel together. We were so nonchalant about it, like, "Hey, if we can't have kids, that's okay. No biggie." Of course, I have no idea how that scenario would really have played out had we had difficulties. But, we have Pic now and we still have plans to travel. Admittedly, our grand plans have been scaled back a bit. For now, we travel to places near, as a family of three, instead of as a family of two. One day, we hope to be able to travel wherever and if Pic wants to come along, we're happy to have her. (The note of far-into-the-future-ness is there because we probably won't be able to afford anything so grand for a couple of decades and Pic will be an adult.)

daydreaming

I actually said to Cardo, earlier, 'If we had another chid (NOT that I want another child), I could homeschool our kids.'

Yes, I am/we are still very certain that our family is perfect just the way it is. There are times when I am a tiny tinge of a bit sad that Pic won't have any siblings, won't have that bond, but I stand by my decision. I've still [knock on wood] never experienced baby blues, although several people I know have gotten pregnant and have had babies since Pic's come along. Also, starting over again when I've already gotten through five years? No, thanks much. (I'm just sharing what Cardo and I want and what works for us. Lots of other people I know have/want more than one child and that's perfect for them...I only have to raise this one.)

Anyhow, there's been a lot of soul-searching type stuff going on inside of me lately. I feel like I've come back around to some kind of starting point that I lost sight of for a while. I feel like it's time to stop looking at everyone else's expectations for me (and, hey, most of these 'expectations' are mainly in my head anyhow, I know this) and start figuring out what really will be best for myself and for my family. I'm still not sure where I'm headed next, but I'm willing to gradually figure it out. I'm trying to not be so fervent in my searching for what's next.

As Poke said to me earlier, it might be nice to settle down for a bit without looking forward and stressing about what I 'need' to be doing next. In the last year, Cardo has hinted that he's wanting to settle down. As I said, I'm not sure what we'll do, but if it involves settling down now, know that we'll be doing plenty of traveling as a family (yes, even when I'm trying to focus on now, I'm dreaming about the future).

How can I possibly still have so much growing up to do at the end of my third decade on this planet?

future project

I like to daydream about oh-so-many things. One thing: sewing projects. I've started buying this Sew Stylish magazine and picking out projects I'd like to attempt. (Now, there's just that pesky little detail of me not being a sewing-person (a sew-er? nah). I need a lot more than a few days of my mom trying to teach me everything that she's learned in the last fifty-plus years. I need lots of practice before I really get something.)

Anyhow, here's one of the things I picked out from the Fall 2009 issue. Eventually, I think I'd like to try it.



(I apologize for the quality of my scan. The fabric is actually a solid.)

Given my short, not-thin stature, though, I think that I'd need to slim down that bow. If I could do it, it could be fun.

blog sprint

Tuesday's One Minute Writer:

Tomorrow you get the mail, and in it you find the best letter you can imagine. What does it say?

Dear v,

You have worked pretty strenuously this last decade, so we've been thinking...how about you don't worry about paying back your student loans.

You're incredibly welcome,
The Loan Holders

ah, tv...and food

I have temporary access to a multitude of channels I don't normally have. (Actually, I'm not even certain how many channels we have access to on our sets, but I think it's probably somewhere around...five...ish? And then we have all these weird channels like 5.1, 5.2, 5.3. Okay, then.)

So, I'll just say that I thought I was doing pretty well without watching so much tv last semester (I really didn't have time what with being the crazy freak I was), and, really, I was right. I don't really miss the idiot box all that much. Well, except for cooking shows. We do have some on PBS that Cardo has taken to watching, but usually I'm too restless to sit down and watch them. Today, however, taking advantage of my temporary television time (alliteration rocks, thank you!), I watched some Food Network. I watched Giada make raspberry, mozzarella panini and I wanted to go out, buy the ingredients and make them right then. However, my laziness won out over my desire for food, and I ate two small bean burritos (consisting of flour tortillas and canned refried beans) instead. I am a wonder in the kitchen, people. Really, it's astounding.

Seriously, though, I'll be making those panini in the very near future, hoping that I don't screw them up. I'll let you know how it goes. And, oh yeah, she made some apple iced tea also which sounded very good and I'll try that also. I've been making myself lots of black iced tea with lemon and Earl Grey iced tea lately, because, hello, I could make it at home for about twenty cents and bit of time, or walk down to Starbucks* and pay $2.25 or so.

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* They're finally going to open yet another coffeehouse across from the Starbucks. I can't remember how long the old place has been closed, but I'm actually looking forward to the new place opening. I can go down and buy expensive iced tea and hang out maybe once this summer.

good reads?

Dearest Interweb,

I am looking for a new magazine to read and love. I am very picky about magazines, however, and I enjoy them in stages. For instance, a couple of years ago, I was very into Cooking Light and Parents. More recently, I am into Self and Craft Stylish (okay, so I've only bought that second one twice and I'm not exactly certain about the title).

I know that I will be delving back into the world of books-as-pleasure over the summer, but I would also like to have a new magazine or two to turn to. I devour magazines (as I do most media dealing in the written word), so I usually finish reading a magazine the same day I get it. So, even if I add more than one magazine to my repertoire, it'll be manageable.

Recently, I've tried Time (I'll probably end up subscribing to this, as Coach J assures me it's much less expensive that way), Mother Jones and Bitch. All of these, though, I'm okay with checking out from the library (my library no longer carries Self, and besides, I like having the actual magazine so I can turn back to the various workouts).

Perhaps I should mention that I'm not into Cosmo, People, Glamour, InStyle, US Weekly (I'm not even sure if that is U(nited) S(tates) Weekly or Us Weekly, but I'm guessing the latter, considering the cover...unless it's some weird boast that we here in the USofA are unhealthily interested in the lives of celebrities (I'm not immune to this disease)). I'm not big on any magazine where it is impossible to find an article hidden amongst the ads. I know that makes this search more difficult, but there you have it.

So, now that I've set out some parameters, any suggestions?

Many thanks,
v

countdown: eight weeks

Summer reading (I cannot wait...but I suppose I must):

Bringing up Ben and Birdy...again. I've already read this entirely through twice, but I think I'll read it again.

In Defense of Food

In the meantime: Dictionary of National Biography