Tuesday, November 8, 2011

toxic love

I've got plenty of, well, crap swirling around in my head right now. I feel full of uncertainties and questions and also a lot of hurt for other people. I think, after a pretty rough patch a few weeks ago, a patch full of briars that threatened to hold onto my skin, I'm actually okay. I'm kind of exhausted, which makes it difficult to ponder too much about anything for an extended amount of time without falling asleep, but I really do think I'm okay. Or, at least, I'll be okay.

This does not stop the confusion and pain, though. Perhaps I'm just realizing that's part of life. I can feel that pain but not take it on as my own? I wonder if I'm capable of this, or if the pain is just waiting for me to allow myself to fall into old habits? As I said, it's only been a few weeks since the last low.

But, oh, the questions. Why do we hide so much of our pain from others? Is it because we are ashamed that we are allowing ourselves to endure this pain? I feel this way sometimes; I want to just tell people, "Oh, yeah, I'm fine," even when I'm not because I know I shouldn't allow myself to not be fine. But, is that always a choice? I want to say yes and no at the same time. Yes, I'm allowing myself to wallow and hurt. No, the hurt and fear are uninvited and don't intend to leave and I can't do anything about that.

I get why I don't hide my hurt with others, but do others hide their hurt away? Is it because they believe no one can help them? Because they feel they have to get through whatever it is alone? Because we're always supposed to look good on the outside no matter how screwed up everything seems when no one is looking too closely?

Sometimes I feel that facade is a lie. Not just a cover, a protection against unwelcome eyes, but a lie. Life isn't always easy and I think sometimes we can make it more difficult by hiding the difficulties. Does the hiding somehow extend the trouble and pain? I wonder. We spend so much time trying to bury what's wrong that we don't address it, put it out there in the world, let it go?

I have lots of questions, but no real, coherent answers.

So, because I am afraid to go back to the constant wall-building and darkness, pain and, well, more fear, I've asked for help. I've asked for help once before, at a time when not asking would have resulted in something I can't think about. This time around, I'm feeling like I'm rowing calmly on a somewhat placid lake, not like I'm hoping for a dinky little lifeboat as I clutch a railing on the Titanic.

So, I've asked for help. If I can offer help, I'm here. I probably don't have any good answers, but I can just be here and listen. And, I hope that helps.


I didn't mean to ramble so much, to think through writing only to come to no conclusions, but there it is. I'm starting to question whether there's not some great celestial event or something that can explain the current turmoil I see around me. Because I can't explain it any other way, so it might be time to start blaming the stars or the alignment of the planets or something.


On a much lighter note, as I try to skim the surface and not sink, I told Cardo that I may just be toxic, and then I couldn't get this song out of my head:

"Hexxus (Tim Curry) sings Toxic Love"

Ah, Tim Curry.


Kat said...

You know those times when you read something that you could have written yourself? This is one of those.

For me, I think I keep a lot to myself because those around me are not really able to help. I am a helper which means I attract some pretty self-involved friends.

I also know that a lot of my "issues" are the same ones over and over and I feel like I am a broken record. Literally broken.

I am glad to hear that you have asked for help. I know how brave that is. Also, I am going to email you my cell number. Text or call if you like.


Oh, and I like the boat metaphor.

v said...

Ms K: Yes I know the feeling of "this writer is totally in my head." I'm really pretty sure lots of people I know (myself included) don't ask for help for the same reason you don't always. I always feel that others have enough crap going on and probably can't really do anything to help out anyhow. Sometimes, though, I feel like I've built things up so much that they seem gargantuan, but, after talking to someone about the problem(s), I realize things are manageable if only in small bits ("one day at a time" and all).

And, again, I am right there with you with my issues being the same damned ones over and over again. You'd think I'd learn, maybe, but these issues like me.

Thank you for talking, reading, writing, being there over the years (really, years...wow). I am striving to be the kind of friend who is actually there; it helps to have good models.

(As for the boat/water thing: I think of you when I think of such metaphors. And, I always think of the time you were explaining "buttload" and I swear it has some nautical history.)