'jane, get me off this crazy thing...called love'

"This poem sucks!"

Bits of this movie are stuck in my head right now, partly because Cardo and I were discussing how big my head is today. But, it's really the above line that's playing on repeat in my head. Not, because I am experiencing the sentiment, but because there are other crazy things I'd rather be off right now. (Oh, geez, I need to go back to reading eloquent writing, not mangled writing, before I stop by the pond. But, I'm oh-so-tired. And, whiny. And, oddly, giddy. And, restless. It's getting to be tight 'round here. I need to just be.)

running on fumes

So very exhausted.

Every time I think that I'm just about caught up, that I should be able to take a moment to stop, breathe and clean the pet hair from every single surface in my home, I realize that I am nowhere near finished with my obligations. And, at the same time that I'm silently cursing myself for repeatedly doing this, year after year, I am also thankful to have so much to do. I don't do well with too little. I also don't do well with self-imposed dealines. I need the pressure of those who aren't me.

But, I'm trying to shift that focus. As days seem to slip by with so many things left undone, I more and more want time for and with my own family. I'm trying to figure out if this is something I really want or if this is classic me who's all, "Hey grass over there, you certainly look greener than grass over here! Maybe I'll come over and check you out."

Okay, so much to contemplate right now, but absolutely no time for that contemplation to take place. Why is September melting away like a snow cone in Vegas in mid-August?

Twenty-four hours from now, I plan on being much less exhausted and much more coherent. Here's to that, at least.

dreaming

Last night -- or, rather, this morning -- I was having an especially difficult time falling asleep. (Big shock, I know.) The fan whooshed cool air over us while the cat roamed the condo and Pic had a conversation in her sleep. After I finally did manage to drift off, I dreamt of being stuck in my favorite neighborhood ever. Only, it wasn't a good thing. It was a dream full of weird, anxiety-inducing images and ideas that stifled my breath: a missing Cardo, downed trees, a cross mamma (me), freeways where they shouldn't be, cars that had no brakes.

I am blaming my current inability to sleep, along with my continually upset stomach, on my current reliance on acetaminophen. I have never taken so much in my life. And, I'm not even taking the maximum amount recommended/allowed. Yesterday, I figured I could go without, but by six in the evening, I was ready to scream in pain and frustration because my jaw hurts. I go back in to the dentist tomorrow and I'm going to see if they can just...get rid of it [my jaw]*, or something. (Okay, not really, because that'd be a whole different nightmare, but I despise taking medication, even of the most banal variety, but I also despise the pain. At the same time, I do realize that this pain is nothing compared to what many, many others experience in their lives, and, for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful, but whiney.)

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In the meantime, Pic is daydreaming about hook contraptions so she can fly around the living room, fully-costumed complete with wings and tapping shoes (as she calls high heels). She's dreaming about making sequels to the movies she enjoys. She's constantly entertaining me with dance performance after dance performance as I try to complete the Puzzle That Would Defeat Me.

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* Whenever Pic is hurting somewhere I jokingly suggest we replace the body part, but she never takes me up on it.

dental adventures

I kind of hesitate to share my dental dismay, but it's what's going on with me right now...and for the next several weeks.

A couple of weeks ago, when I ended up only going in for a cleaning, I was told a root canal might be in order. That has almost been ruled out, but we'll see. So, yesterday was two fillings: replacing one old one and getting a new one. Next week will be more work on the upper right quadrant, the following week the lower left and the following week the lower right. At least I think that's the plan.

I ended up going with just Pic yesterday, as Cardo couldn't join us. (We didn't get lost on our bus trip!) She quietly sat in the corner, drawing pictures, using a clipboard given to her by one of the assistants. I sat quietly trying to not freak out on the reclined seat. It's not that easy, as I felt like I was suffocating what with hands and equipment in my mouth. I kept trying to close up my throat, but that made breathing through my nose very difficult.

When all was finished, I hadn't felt much pain, but I was still very shaky and on the verge of tears. The latter typical for me and visits to the dentist's office. However, five hours later, when my mouth was...unnumbing (there has to be a more elegant word for that, but I cannot think of anything right now), oh buddy, there was pain. My jaw still aches a bit, but my tooth hurts. Rather, I'm sure, my gum hurts. I'm finally putting to use the gigantic bottle of Tylenol we bought at Costco a million months ago.

It's going to take a lot of will power for me to continue going to the dentist as scheduled.

One more note: Let me just say, as I have repeated again and again, I'm so very grateful that we have insurance; that's something I definitely don't take for granted.

happy, peaceful, painless thoughts...

...that's what I'll be needing domani. Work on the first quadrant of my mouth begins tomorrow. (So much for having that work done on the same day I went in two weeks ago.)

Oh, teeth. What can I say to you? Why didn't I take much better care of you when I was younger?

So, for now, I'm off to watch a bit of Chamber of Secrets with Cardo while Pic moves into her zillionth hour of playing today.

Happy, peaceful, painless thoughts will be very appreciated tomorrow. Thank you very much.

alas and alack!

Ah, nablopomo. Oops.

I had such a groove going. I had a whole new system worked out for making posting smoother for myself. Then...my parents came to visit. That was fabulous and I can't wait until our next (as yet unplanned) visit. And, while they were here, I was continuing with my posting. However, the day they left, I was exhausted. I slept many, many hours the night they went home. As in, I went to bed about eight hours earlier than usual.

Oy with the poodles.

Then, as far as blogging goes, I kind of lost my steam. Ah, well. I'm trying to get some focus and rhythm back in my days. I think it's going to go pretty well. However, I think I won't be posting tomorrow.

In the meantime, I beg of you ways to calm myself for a dentist appointment. I finally decided to tell Cardo he could call the dentist and ask them to set me up for an appointment (I would never, never do it for myself...just as I won't go by myself). I pretty much begged him to get me an appointment where they'll do both cleaning and fixing. I'm afraid they'll tell me that's not possible, but I have a tendency to go to the cleanings, listen to them tell me I need to have a few things fixed and then not go back for seven million weeks. However, again tonight my tooth was crumbling. Lovely little bits of it coming off as I flossed.

So, how do I not completely freak out at the dentist's office? Please?

things that make you go 'uh-oh!'

Cardo was just trying to send me into a mini-panic earlier by asking me when I was going to find out how much it would cost to fix my teeth, which implies that I have to actually go to the dentist several times and have my teeth worked on. I've never had nice teeth and I've never really enjoyed (or felt indifferent about) dentist office visits.

So, here I was, flossing my teeth for the second or third time today and I'm pretty sure I just yanked a piece of my tooth out. I'm afraid to look at it in the mirror.

Oy with the poodles already!

on endings

Endings make me anxious. No matter how much I look forward to (certain) endings and count down the days, hours, minutes, the closer I get, the more real an ending seems, the more nervous I get about what will come next. Perhaps I shouldn't be like this. Perhaps I should be reveling in the moment (that's the current party line, yes? and it's even one I completely agree with, but it's one I have a difficult time living up to).

So, very soon, I'll reach an end of my latest venture. And, I've been looking forward to the possibilities that opens up, while I've been trying to let myself completely enjoy what it is I've been doing.

At the same time, I'm forgetting. Sometimes, I think this is part of how humans get through life. If we couldn't forget the stress and the pain, if those memories didn't fade allowing the awesome memories to shine, how and why would any of us get out of bed in the morning?

I've forgotten how stressed and close to my lowest-low I was just several months ago. I'm forgetting how little sleep I've allowed myself and how disconnected from my family I've let myself become over the last two-and-a-half months. While I'm not ever really comfortable with change, I'm actually pretty quick to adapt to it and then forget that anything different came before and that anything different might follow.

I think this is part of why Cardo loves having committed himself to sticking with me until one of us is no longer of this world. Really.

So, my goal for the upcoming months is to learn to be open to possibilities and to realize that there are possibilities. I might not like all of them, but they're there. I need to remember that my choices have led me where I am. I've chosen this. I'm big on stressing that right now with Pic -- talking to her about why we choose to spend our time and money the way we do, about why Cardo and I chose that these last eight months have gone the way they have, and so on.

So, right now, I'm going to choose to not freak out about three weeks from now and three months from now and three years from now (I could really go on), because there isn't much I can do about those days right now.

I'm also going to choose to work for the next two-and-a-half hours and then go home and not watch the Nancy Drew movie again.

to stop and breathe

I've been living a lot of "I can't wait until..." lately. Living in the now? Psh, not so much. And, I know me pretty well by now -- I won't stop doing this anytime soon, although I'll continue to lament my ability to be so very happy with the abundance I have right now.

What am I waiting for? Time. Much more time with Pic. Real time with her, not just stressful time near her. Time with Cardo. Time to take nice long, leisurely two-hour walks (as we did this past weekend! so very needed). Time to read, write, take pictures, think, sleep.

I tend to go through cycles of stress and boredom. It's as if I don't know how to live in the middle, with just enough to keep me busy. If my plate isn't overly full, it's missing. Right now, things are falling off my plate all over the place. I'm afraid, though, that I'll forget this feeling in two weeks. I'll have slipped into not-enough-to-do (as far as I'm concerned) ennui and I'll be pushing to once again take on too much.

When we decided to not send Pic off to school, I was still a bit unsure about our decision and so I set myself up with too much to do to do anything really well (did you follow that?). I'm feeling so much more confident in and excited about our decision now, but I've locked myself into obligations for the next several months. I (mostly) enjoy these obligations, but I'm unable to balance between outside obligations and family time and togetherness.

I had thought that my life would be in a comfortable rhythm by now, but I still seem to be figuring it all out. I think I might be bored if nothing ever changed, but I push too far, too much, too often. (I feel silly even saying that, as I know many, many people who successfully do so much more than I do.)

I've got about a month of tricky scheduling ahead and then several months of needing to really work on a rhythm.

As for that month, though, I plan on traveling, reading, sleeping, crafting (perhaps), cooking, baking, planning, walking, picture taking, ecc, ecc, ecc.

I'd be interested in hearing others' plans for finishing out the year.

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Speaking of picture taking, I haven't posted any pictures in a woefully long time. I haven't carried my camera with me as much and I've been lax about uploading my pictures to my computer. However, I do have some shots awaiting their display here. I usually don't take pictures in shops, but I couldn't pass this up:


I was inordinately happy to see this in Goodwill recently.

"I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada!" (embedding has been disabled by request.)

middle o' the night musings*

Right now, I feel like I'll never sleep again. I'm agitated, anxious, awake. I keep pulling on my hair and I'll be lucky to have any left by daylight. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through the next three weeks and then I'll be able to get back to all the things I've been neglecting: writing, cooking, cleaning. Spending time with my child, actually with her and not just near her. Spending time with my partner. Letting go, relaxing. Sleeping without feeling guilty for having slept.

I'm tired. I'm tired of this period of my life. I'm tired of berating myself for getting myself into this situation. I'm tired of being too afraid to do what I want.

In the meantime, I'm going through intense periods of productivity and idleness. Over the course of two days, I've watched enough television and movies to rot away a bazillion brain cells. However, during each hour of viewing, my mind was constantly torn between the screen and somewhere else. Not that I really need to give my full attention to Jumping Jack Flash (what? I'm truly a purveyor of fine film, yes?), but still.

I have hours of work to do still and it's closer to the end of the night than it is to the beginning of the night.

Three more weeks.

In the meantime, this is keeping me company:


"Hey Marseilles - Rio (Official Video)"

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* I have a friend who claims to despise the word "musings" so I hesitate to use it, but I'm a sucker for alliteration.

it's alive!...

...barely.

I have dived (oh, please let that be correct...I have doven, um, no) into water so deep and murky that I cannot see the surface. Okay, I'm being entirely too over-dramatic here. I could probably very easily keep my head above water, if only I stopped a moment to stand up and take a breath. However, I feel that I've been on a kind of drone-autopilot setting for the last couple of months. I am not happy with the situation and I'm thinking about ways to make some changes. Suggestions for someone who is entirely over-educated and under-experienced for just about anything are welcome. And, when I call for suggestions, I am looking for ways I can provide a tiny bit financially for our tiny family. I am used to making tiny, pretty-much-inconsequential amounts of money, but I do need to be able to make enough to pay for my vast amounts of highly-relevant-to-all-aspects-of-my-life education. (I kind of kid. I enjoyed my time in higher education. I just wonder, sometimes, if I should have done a lot very differently. Then, I remind myself that isn't even a choice, so I should focus on right now. Yes.)

I plan to be in a much different position next year and for many of the following years. I want to be able to embrace the ideas we've decided are best for our family, instead of freaking out and deciding to take on entirely too much of what I don't want because that is what's familiar to me. Ugh.

On the life learning front, by the end of this month, I will have much to share. October has been, and will continue to be, full of homeschool-group activities. Thanks be for our homeschooling group. We would not have traveled in this direction had we not found and been embraced by the group.

For the next many months, though, I'll be back to my old standby of counting down the days until I'm finished with my current obligations. In high school, my teachers would consult with me about how many days we had remaining of the year. I didn't mind the countdowns then. Now, though, I realize I'm not living life the way I want to be, I'm almost constantly focused on either tiny bits of the present or on our big dreams for the future. I'd like to be back in a place where I'm focusing on the big picture that represents right freaking now.

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I would add some music to this post, as I've had a bit of a soundtrack going through my head as I've whined and fretted, but I'm using not-my-computer and I can't get the audio to work, so I can't hear the songs first to confirm they're the ones I want. I'll include the songs later...maybe.

parenting fail: holey, holey teeth

I hate to be told I'm bad at something. I tell myself enough that I'm bad at all kinds of things, so when others jump on that wagon, I tend to get really (quietly) defensive.

For the last couple of weeks, Pic has been telling us that her back, bottom left tooth is hurting. We decided it was finally time to take her to the dentist. (I know, I know. However, Cardo's first visit to the dentist was incredibly late in his life and I have a lifelong history of scary, painful, entirely unpleasant dentist office experiences.)

So, last week was Pic's first dental visit. All went well except the four cavities in the four corners of her mouth, gaping like little Grand Canyons in miniature. The dental hygienist was awesome. She was so patient and cheery and really connected with Pic. I never had a visit like this when I was little. (There had to have been pediatric dentistry back then, no?) Then, the dentist came over. He was more businesslike, which I think is partly due to his job. He came, inspected Pic's mouth and spouted off a bunch of numbers and letters and ominous-sounding terms I don't even remember but which sounded like we'd need to get her a set of tiny dentures or something.

After Dr Dentum* performed his exam, he told informed us of the evils of snacking. Then he listed a huge amount of foods that lead to sugar build-up on teeth. Most of the foods -- Gatorade, soda, Cheetos, chips, ecc, ecc, ecc** -- Pic doesn't eat. He finally got around to candy, though. She does like herself some M&Ms. Also, she and I have majorly (holey) sweet teeth***. Dr Dentum admitted that telling his patients the evils of snacking doesn't cause them to stop snacking, rather he was informing us so we could choose to do something about it. We're choosing to brush our teeth many, many more times a day. He also suggested not bringing forbidden fruit into our home, which would work best for me personally...if I had any willpower whatsoever.

We go back in a couple of weeks for some pretty serious (and pretty friggin' expensive) dental work. I sincerely hope we've learned from this experience. I don't want to go back in six months or a year or two (or ever) and learn that we've failed in the dental hygiene area once more. I also don't want Pic to be in any more pain.

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* Not his name.

** ecc is the Italian equivalent of etc. ecc = eccetera. I like to use it in my informal writing.

*** Can we pluralize "sweet tooth"? Hmm.

notes from the cocoon

Argh and ugh and all that jazz. I'm in the middle of constantly rethinking the decisions I made a few short months ago. I'm swamped and exhausted and losing motivation by the day. It's showing in small ways. However, I feel like there are cracks in a wall that's holding back a mountain of dirt and boulders all too willing to bury me. The small ways feel they're about to become much bigger.

In the meantime, to numb my anxiety, I've been escaping to Seattle Grace. I've been watching previous seasons of Grey's Anatomy. I guess I've missed the last two years of this show, although I didn't realize it's been so long since I've seen it. Any thoughts I have on it have most likely been discussed ad nauseam months or even years ago. But...

What the crap is up with season six? Actually, season five was bad enough. I loved George O'Malley, but he kind of started disappearing from the show. (And, then he finished disappearing. Alas.) Why? If anyone is still watching the show: Is it worth it without O'Malley? (Okay, so you have to think it's worth it in the first place, to answer that question, of course.)

And, season six is just sad.

Ah, well. Perhaps this is why I don't watch much tv.

itty-bitty pops

Yesterday, I wanted to make food. Actually, I often want to make food, but feel to exhausted to do so. (Or, y'know, we haven't been shopping in a while and we're sadly lacking important ingredients). I wanted to make some kind of banana bread because we have three sad, sad bananas languishing on our dining room table. However, we're missing at least one ingredient from every recipe I have. I'm not such a huge fan of banana bread (or bananas in general), but I refuse to let those go completely to compost.

Anyhow, Pic and I did end up making tiny popsicles yesterday. I cannot find my popsicle molds, but we did have an empty ice cube tray and a huge box of popsicle sticks. We loosely based our method on Catherine Newman's from her mango fro-yo pops recipe (except...we didn't use vanilla, we used a different main fruit and I had no lemons or limes). So, basically, without measuring anything, I poured a bit of white grape juice into the blender and topped it with some raspberries, plain Greek yogurt and some agave nectar. I was too lazy to climb up on anything to get down the vanilla, but I'll add it next time. A couple of quick whirs in the blender and our base was ready for the ice cube tray. We let the popsicles set a while and then pushed the sticks in. Pick at a couple of popsicles yesterday and we each had one today. I think next time I'll use less yogurt. And, I have a melon on my counter that I bought specifically for making popsicles, so our next batch will be a different flavor. Super simple.

What, you don't put on your finery for popsicle consumption?

And, super simple is all I feel I have time for right now. I'm having a very difficult time with balance and rhythm right now. Based on the last month, I know, right now, that I want to do things differently next year. I hope I'll have the same resolve then. And, I hope I'll have found the confidence to do what I really want to do. Until then, I'm back to sleeping in three-hour shifts. Wasn't I just rejoicing over not having this schedule anymore? Ugh.

Right now, I'm needing to get back to other necessities. The rest of this week is going to feel interminable. I'll just have to keep on keeping on right? Because I don't have much choice otherwise. This weekend, I'll reassess and figure out a more workable schedule for myself and my family.

it's the middle of the night, and the anxiety is creeping in

I told Cardo that I'm pretty certain I'll never be tired enough to fall asleep again. I was trying to stay away from computer and television screens after ten, in the hopes that my mind wouldn't be overly stimulated and that I might fall asleep at a decent hour, but here I am. I got up to address something I've been avoiding. I'm good at avoiding. I'm not good at decision-making.

And, speaking of decision-making, I'm in the midst of having to make some decisions about our immediate future. Nothing big, nothing to worry about. Except, of course, I worry. It's what I do. It's what I live for. (To help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. [Yes, we've been watching too much The Little Mermaid around here and I've had that movie memorized for [[aak]] twenty-one years now, I believe it is.])

So, yes, I've been wondering if it's silly to want to turn to your parents for advice and support and possibly consolation when you're well past legal dependence? Because I really love Cardo and I value discussing things with him, but right now, I kind of also want to be able to talk with my parents...in person. A few of problems: I'm not sure I can articulate exactly what I'm feeling and I'm not sure what I'm expecting/wanting to receive from this hypothetical conversation. Also, they live about 450 miles away. We don't have the money to visit them (and I really don't want to go down for a visit at this time of year) and I don't want to ask them to take time off work to come and comfort me.

Ugh. I know I shouldn't analyze every little bit of my life, especially in the middle of the night. I know that this is part of the reason I don't sleep. I hope that when I wake up, I'll feel a bit more resolved about some things and I'll think, 'Jeez, v, stop posting worries in the middle of the dark.' But, it's what I do. It's kind of cathartic for me.

Ah, well.

'you can't always get what you want...

...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.'

The chorus to this song has been stuck in my head a lot in the last week. Definitely not the whole song because, really, it's strange (at least to me). I often do this with songs: find a lyric or two that resonates with me and then dismiss the rest of the song.*

Cardo has always told me that one of the things he likes about me is that I know what I want. I haven't been so sure about that lately. Or, maybe I'm wrong. I do know what I want, ultimately. It's just that I keep going back and forth on how I'm going to get there.

I think I'm nervous about the upcoming couple of months and how they will shape a good chunk of our lives to come. I want to know that everything will work out for the best. I want to just jump into something without having to stop and analyze the situation to death first. (Hey, look at that, I do know what I want. And, because life is uncertain and messy, I won't be getting what I want. Ah, well.)

So, for now, I'm filled with a bit of uncertainty. It seems to me that to embrace certain opportunities is to disallow** myself other opportunities. I know that this is the way things work, but that doesn't mean that I have to be in love with the process right now, right? Right. At the same time that I love to see the evolution of our lives and our plans for our future progress, I am also constantly scared by this change. O, to be a brave soul...

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* I am definteily not the only one who does this. Just think about the whole 'I Will Always Love You'-as-wedding-song phenomenon.

** 'disallow' is a word, right? I am kind of exhausted at the moment, but it sounds okay.

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'The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want (Live 1969)(The Flying Dutchman)'
[The audiovisual quality isn't great, but I felt compelled to post the song.]

mnmlsm, or something entirely unlike it

That would be minimalism, in case you were wondering.

A friend recently told me she's interested in minimalism. She's been interested in weeding out the extra stuff in her life. I mumbled something along the lines of me also being interested in it but that I realize it's something I'm incapable of. (I actually, can't remember my exact stumbled-over response, but that's close enough.)

Here's the thing: I've always held on to stuff. I've whittled and whittled. I've given away bags and boxes and more bags and more boxes worth of stuff. And yet... Ah, there's always more.

We've lived in our current place for three months now (I can hardly believe that, but it's true) and the den is still a wreck. I keep saying, "I'd like a bookshelf for the closet so I can unpack and clean up." That's totally just an excuse. First off, I could just shove the eight boxes (I just counted) in the closet and that would help matters immensely, but I really do want to get rid of some of the crap. But, when I start to go through things, I always stop and think, "Hmm, I might be needing this at some point. What if I get rid of this [random piece of crap I probably haven't looked at in months or, ahem, years] and then realize I could have used it?" So, the stuff still sits. It's so much easier for me to focus on Pic's wreck of a room or the wreck that is the garage. And, even these I have largely ignored for the last couple of months. I am just overwhelmed by our stuff.

The other day, I concluded that our stuff is like weight. It's so easy to gain weight, and to gain it quickly at that. It's hard, for me at least, to drop the extra weight, though. As a family, we find it so easy and quick to acquire stuff, but it takes us so long to weed through and rid ourselves of it. Last year was something of a Year of Acquiring. This year I've hoped to realize something of a Year of Decluttering, but I've yet to feel successful regarding this.

I might be more successful with the assistance of some kind of personal trainer: a neutral party who would come in and just pack up a bunch of crap and recycle/give away what isn't needed, but even that thought fills me with a bit of anxiety. I'm entirely too attached to the tangible things in my life. Perhaps what I need isn't someone to clean up my room, but someone to offer mental and emotional help -- not a personal trainer, but a therapist?

So, for now, here I sit, in the tiny den, cramped with boxes and bags and papers and clutter, listening to podcasts and very, very slowly working off the excess.

it's just one of those days...

...that a girl goes through/when I'm angry inside/don't wanna take it out on you. [Why yes, that song does still occasionally get stuck in my head all these years later. I can't believe that I still know it as well as I do and that I'm admitting so much here.]

It has definitely been one of those days. I've always kind of suspected that Monica was singing to a lover, but my angst is more of a general thing. I've been at the brink of my breaking point for, I don't know, a couple of weeks now. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin (which is an absolutely disgusting prospect, but there you have it). I can't fall asleep, but I want to sleep all of the time. I can't seem to nail down any kind of a schedule. I don't have a moment that really feels all my own (even right now, when Pic is supposed to be resting, she's making very loud monkey noises in the other room). I feel like days are flying by and I'm accomplishing nothing at all in that time.

I need a bit of time to myself. I finally told this to Cardo and then what do I do? I automatically take back that request. He proposed taking her to a friend's house Saturday morning because he's going out, and I automatically said, "No, nevermind, it's okay." But it's not. I'm just so ridiculously restless that I both want to have some time alone and I don't. Actually, that's not true. I want some time alone, but I also want family time when Cardo is home. After he gets home and we eat dinner and play/walk/ride bikes outside, it's late and we start settling in. And, then, a whole day is, once again, gone. I hate to ask for time for myself. I know I'm not alone in this, as I've had many, many discussions with Auntie L regarding just this topic. While I know that a happy and sane mamma is essential to a happy and sane family, I feel selfish even wanting a break. ("From what?" I ask myself, a non-paycheck-earning person. Then I become upset because it's not like I do nothing all day, even though I feel like that's the case lately. Ugh and grrr.)

I'm not sure what this is about. It feels like cabin fever, except we are getting out. We get outside every day for at least an hour. Yet, I still feel like I'm losing it here.

So, I'm looking for suggestions for places for me to go hang out by myself. I feel weird going to the park alone because that's something we do as a family. I'm thinking maybe coffeehouse to curl up and read or stare mindlessly out of the window. What do you all do just for yourselves?

This definitely feels like a night when I want to call Cardo and ask him to pick me up a pint of Ben & Jerry's on his way home. (Were I a drinker, it'd be a pint of something much stronger than ice cream).


"Monica - Don't Take It Personal (Just One of Dem Days)" [Check out the cell phone!]

o, to be that proverbial ostrich*

There are times when I really want to live the "ignorance is bliss" kind of lifestyle. Sometimes I just want to keep my head down, go about my daily business (much walking, much book-reading, much child-nurturing) and ignore much of the rest of the world. Generally, I want to believe that most people are good, most people are decent. I think the web does something to people. I know there are things I don't say here because those words could (possibly) reach such a vast audience. Even though I don't use my name here, I strive to keep this a space any person can feel comfortable visiting. However, there seem to be a lot of people who feel no compunction spreading hurtful and hateful words, possibly because they can remain anonymous here. (I've read plenty of articles, posts and comments on the anonymity of the web and the way that plays out. I'm sure, if you're interested, you can find plenty of reading material on the subject. Even without having read any of that, though, I have to wonder if people who are so incredibly mean here in cyberspace would ever really walk into a group of thousands of strangers and spout what they feel so comfortable spouting here. Think about that for a moment.)

I pointed out an instance of this kind of hateful/hurtful speech when I was talking about cloth wipes. I've come across it again, in many, many responses to this article on a desire to create a state militia in Oklahoma to protect against an overarching federal government. (I am trying to word this part neutrally.) I don't want to comment on the article itself, but on the comments. This is again an instance where I believe intelligent conversation and debate could take place, but where that has seemed to have largely failed. I started reading the comments, hoping to understand what others thought of this idea, but fearing that there would be a lot of viciousness. And, viciousness there is.

I did not, by any means, read all of the comments. At the time I'm posting this, there are already 5978 comments and I just cannot read that many. First, I don't have the time. Second, I don't have the stamina, I suppose I'll call it.

I cringe even reading the words "teatard" and "libtard" (I don't believe using words like "retard" and "gay" to represent something undesirable is even slightly okay). In the comments, Democrats and liberals are described more than once as cannibals who will either eat their own young or eat the young of others (I didn't know this "argument" was even being hurled around and I don't understand what is behind it). Obama was referred to, by one commenter, as Sadom Obamma (except, it was all upper-case). All Oklahomans have been grouped together as like-minded and in support of this militia idea by quite a few commenters who seem to think it's okay to call them "crackers," "rednecks" and "inbreeders."

I have to say that I did see some more useful discussion going on also. One commenter asks what the militia will be protecting against and the question does lead to at least some on-topic discussion. Some go so far as to actually quote the Constitution (thanks be, because I have a real problem with people calling on the Constitution without being able to point to a place in the Constitution to back up their arguments). And, I saw a few times people calling on us to vote. I've always kind of liked the argument that you can't complain about what the government does if you don't vote. I also believe, though, that we can all complain or compliment as much as we like, regardless of whether we voted, considering our right to free speech. However, I have to agree with those who would like us to exercise our voting rights before we shoot one another (something discussed by more than one commenter).

I can't write on this anymore. I've already spent an hour reading through comments on that article. (An hour, I know.) I come away from experiences like this disenheartened. I feel sad that there is so much hatred. I like to believe that I'm not that naive, but, at the same time, I try to mainly ignore the hatred that can seem so prevalent. I've been hurt enough by thoughtless, angry, mean actions. I've known of the hurt others have felt enough. I will never understand why some feel the need to be so cruel. I know that this will make me seem like a wide-eyed rosy-shades wearer, but sometimes this is the only way I get by. But, there has to be so much more.

So, I'll end with asking you all: what do we do? How do I get involved in a way that makes me feel like I'm helping and making a positive difference? How do I reach a point where I don't feel like I want to just check out of the human race? How do I reach a point where I don't question having brought a child into a world where such hatred is possible? (I know that I could easily start with not reading these comment threads. Most of the time I don't read them. I wanted what I consider to be real discussion.)

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* According to National Geographic, ostriches do not stick their heads in the sand.

happiness and its opposite

Unhappiness is...

...spending three-plus hours grocery shopping. Just Pic and me. No Cardo. First in a teeny, tiny grocery store. Then, in a rather large, way-overcrowded one.
...stressing out so much due to the volume of people too close to me that I had to sit in the car and sob before we could go to the park last night.
...developing a sore throat due, no doubt, in part to the high levels of stress yesterday.
...the feeling of apathy that threatens to drown me due to information overload but still feeling that I have not enough answers.

Enough of that.

Happiness is...

...waking up with the whole family all snuggled into the bed. (Pic came in early this morning, but we were lucky because she went back to sleep for a couple of hours.)
...an hour at the library where several of the librarians stopped to briefly chat with us. We love our library and our librarians.
...a half-hour at the park, watching Pic play with other kids.
...a half-hour walk with Pic and Ariel, her dinosaur. Stopping to notice the tiny details we'd miss if we were hurrying off somewhere or if our minds were wandering elsewhere.
...fifteen minutes of drawing in the sun. (We sat on large rocks at the park. Pic refuses to sit on the grass while little chunks of soil are present. (I think those poop-looking chunks of soil have something to do with aeration.) When I told her we could sit on the grass at the park and color, she said, "Okay, you have fun with that.")


Little flowers growing outside someone's fence. (It's a good thing Cardo was at work, because he'd keep walking, worrying that the people of the house would come out and berate us for taking the picture.)


Little tiny flowers growing in the cracks of the sidewalk.