Thursday, November 5, 2009

new rules

I've been thinking that I'm being a little (very) pathetic. I have been cutting myself off from friends solely because of my own worries and doubts. I keep telling myself that I'll cut this behavior out posthaste, but, well, I haven't.

Here are my worries: I'm no longer in the position I was in in May and previously. I am not, at the moment, a student. I'm a mamma staying at home with the little one and that feels pretty much like it right now. My doubts and worries: the people I was friends with will no longer want to be friends because I no longer fit in with the group. Some are still students. Those who aren't, have gone on to become teachers (yes, just about everyone I know and love is a teacher or is studying to become one). What do I have to give to a friendship when I spend almost fifty hours a week raising a four-year-old and taking care of the apartment? I don't want others to become exasperated with me because all of my stories involve my kid. I'm worried that others will see me as something of a...I don't know the word. One who has given up? One who has failed to live up to her potential? (One who has never been sure of that 'potential' anyhow.) A quitter? There were a lot of factors that went into my decision to stay here for the year and not do the program in England. There are a lot of factors playing into our decisions about our family's future. However, under all of that, I am wondering if I can accept this as enough for me for right now. I so easily can see the good that other people do in anything they do, be it going to work outside of the home full-time, staying home to care for their children or their home or both full-time. Working from home. Anything others do, I can definitely get behind. I've never been a good moral supporter for myself, though. I tend to judge myself harshly, and then imagine that others are doing the same.

Geez, there's so much more I could say on this subject, but I won't. There're too many expectations that I may never live up to and I just can't stop imagining the rolled eyes from those who might think I'm throwing opportunities away. Like I have tried to imply, I really have no idea what others are thinking, but I worry about it nonetheless (which, Cardo would point out, is part of my problem...never worry about what others are thinking he tells me, but I don't have his quiet confidence).

So, off with the rambling and on with the rules:

-- I will be more available to my friends. I will be available by phone, although I much prefer to communicate through the interweb (hint, hint) or face-to-face, when I can be lured from my cave. (Of course, this means that I actually have to figure out the whole e-mail situation, yes?)

-- I will let go more easily and understand that people grow apart, that our life choices pull us in different directions and that every friendship is not meant to last forever.

-- I will date my husband, even if it's only once a month.

-- I will, eventually, ask for time for myself.

That's all for now. I don't like to make too many changes at once, else I'm overwhelmed.

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P.S. I've gone from incredible amounts of sleep to...zero. Insomnia hit hard last night and I haven't been to sleep. I'm sure that I'll read this over later and think, 'geez, I shouldn't be let near the computer in a insomnia-induced stupor,' but this has been on my mind for a while and I wanted to post it before I lost the nerve, again.

6 comments:

Coach J said...

You have more to offer than you know. Call any time.

kate said...

You are an amazing person and anyone is lucky to have you as a friend. Maybe you should try to find some other "mommy" friends that also stay at home. Then, you can all share similar stories. (Easier said than done I know.)

v said...

Thank you both. I count myself lucky to know and be friends with both of you (and all the others I've become friends with -- ever so slowly -- over the years).

Dianne said...

V baby - you are so amazing, so talented, and have such a whacked view of yourself!! :) Just cut yourself some slack, enjoy your time with your daughter and hubby, and give yourself some time.

gunma-gal said...

I don't think people stay friends because they have things in common. I think they often meet because of that, but because people change over the years, I don't think they remain friends because of those initial commonalities. An example: if you remember, I reunited with my best friend from high school this past year. It had been at least a decade since I'd last seen her. She's a stay-at-home mom, and a devout Mormon, two things that had me worried that we would have nothing to talk about. I could not have been more wrong. What I do everyday and what she does everyday had nothing to do with what we love about each other. As soon as I saw her, we clicked again, and it was who we are that mattered, not what we did. (And as for the who we are thing, I mean, of course, who we really truly are, not oh, I'm a student, you're a mom...) I'm happy to have you as a friend, even if we don't get together very often. And remember, everyone has their self doubts...

Kat said...

(warning I am about to hijack your blog w a really long comment)

Even though I am one of those friends who is a teacher, I do completely understand this post. So much of our lives was built around that "student" identity.

And, yes, you are right. People will be lost. Some of that is just time and distance, but some is that the common ground is gone. My last semester at UNR when I was there, but not really THERE, my relationships w people were SO different. I felt all the things you say you are feeling.

So, all that to say, that some of what you fear about yourself is true, after all you are pretty dang smart and very insightful, BUT and this is a really really important but

But there are many people who we have connected with on multiple identity levels. And we can nurture those things. If people still relate you as a student, and if you no longer want to do that, then tell them that. Then either we find other things to talk about, or well, we don't.

I think you are a fantastic person.

I love your quirky sense of humor. I really like that we share a similar taste in movies (or film as I like to say). I think that the way you love your family is admirable and I like hearing about them. I think it's geat that you adamantly don't drink (even in the face of immense social pressure). I'd have an art show with you anytime! And your discussions about learning Italian and cooking are always fascinating. And really, that is surely the tip of the Vickie ice berg!

That is a whole lot of words just to say: I liked your student identity, but I like getting to know your other identities too.