please excuse this moment of sappy clicheness

(Yeah, 'clicheness' is so not a word, but there it is.)

I don't recommend watching the video because the sound is all off, but you can listen while browsing elsewhere. Oh, and it suddenly cuts off. A bit obnoxious, but the other videos I found are...not what I want either. Anyhow, you'll get the point.



-- John Denver: Leaving on a Jet Plane

My bags are packed, one stuffed full and one with only two pairs of shoes and my black coat. Um, yeah, who knows what I'll be forgetting. I'll be back at some point and I hope by then I'll have it all figured out. Suddenly, in this moment, this whole prospect seems so unreal.

I'll check in when I can. Please continue to send along your good thoughts. (Hey, with those and a bit of pixie dust, I can just skip the plane in my flight, right?)

losing it

I totally lost my cool today. What little cool I pretend to have. I have been beyond stressed out, not sleeping, worrying every moment for the past three-plus months.

Here's, very briefly, what I haven't been writing about.

I applied for a Master's program (or, programme) at King's College London and was offered a place. I applied in January or February, I think. I can't even remember at this point. I heard back at the end of June. I was already stressing at that point. Many other stresses followed: passport (not that bad, actually), housing (still majorly sucking), visa (ugh, except for the incredible woman who processed my visa), financial aid, plane tickets, hotels (I think a somewhat disgusting dive is in store for me...yea), ecc, ecc, ecc.

I can't begin to explain the lack of sleep, the tremendous doubt, the anxiety, the fear. I wish all of that was past, but it's not.

I got word on Friday that I would be getting my visa. I received said visa (well, my passport with the visa page all filled in) two hours ago. I fly out tomorrow afternoon. I will miss enrolment and I'm hoping that I won't miss induction for my department. I will have to enrol late, next week.

Pic will not be coming with me on this initial trip. In some ways, this is better. I can go find housing for us. I can find a school for her. I can figure out where the grocery stores are, I can set up a bank account, I can start getting into the swing of my classes.

I am planning (please, please) to come back and retrieve Pic in about a month's time. I have never been away from her for more than two nights in a row.

I will miss her. I will miss Cardo. I will miss the covert cat. Yeah, there're a lot of things and there're plenty of people I'll miss.

I'm nervous and scared. I've never done anything like this. I feel, once again, like a kid, and I don't like it. I'd much prefer to have someone come with me, show me the ropes, help me find a place to live. This isn't going to happen.

Anyhow, this is my last full day here and Cardo's at work (he couldn't get any time off because everything is so last minute). I wanted to spend some time with Pic, heading to our local coffeehouse, walking around, just being together, but she didn't want to turn off the tv. When I turned it off, she went directly to her room to cry and we began to argue. Our nerves are frayed, like the electrical cords the rabbit used to chew. Tempers are sparking. I actually slammed Pic's door, because I'm the mature one here. I went into my room and pounded on my mattress and threw my pajamas at the wall.

Things have calmed down between the two of us. She's getting dressed. We're headed out for one last day of mini-adventures. I am, as I have been all these long months, on the verge of tears.

I half want to back out, except I know that I could do excellently well in this program. It's just the getting there and getting settled in that's causing me to feel like I'm going to throw up although I have yet to eat today.

Please, wish me luck. Offer me any advice you have. Tell me you have a relative in London who is just dying to rent Pic and myself a room for ten months.

I'm sorry that I haven't shared more. I just haven't been able to. And, now, everything has (almost) come together in the last couple of days.

autumnal equinox...

...is in two days. I'm not sure how we'll celebrate, but I'm thinking with food. I always want to celebrate with food. (You could say I am obsessed.)

So, what food says autumn to me? Squash. I'm thinking I could make pumpkin cake and acorn squash. I'll probably make the cake without frosting this time, because it really doesn't need it. As for the squash, I might make two: one savory and one sweet.

We'll also celebrate by (wait for it...wait for it) walking. Wow, something we never do, right? I know, it seems like all we ever do around here is walk, but it keeps me sane. And, our walks lately have been pretty close to divine, if I may. A nice cool breeze, the setting sun, and I've actually been a bit happier getting home by around eight o'clock again and not well after nine.

Just one more quick note: What are you guys reading? I cannot get into anything at all lately. I'm a lost cause. Help. And, thank you.

the book of counted sorrows

This has been stuck in my head. It is not a reflection of how I feel, but it's lingering anyhow. I think at least one other person might recognize it and share in a bit of nostalgia.

The hounds, the hounds
Come baying at his heels.
The hounds! The hounds!
The breath of death he feels.

-- DRK

pause for reflection

Not much to report on today. I didn't make the kale thing. A friend offered to have Pic spend the night, so Cardo and I went out to dinner and then for a late, dark walk. It was nice, but it was strange to go for our nightly walk without Pic.

I've been so restless lately that I feel that at any moment I might spontaneously combust (wouldn't that be disgusting?). I feel like I have to be in some kind of motion, so, for this summer, it's been walking. What I'd really like is to be in a more figurative kind of motion, slowly moving toward some of my Big Life Goals (they deserve capitalization). And, I'm getting there. The thing is that I have to keep reminding myself of this. My Big Life Goals are pretty long-term and I know that it'll be years before we even reach them, but, geez, I can be impatient. Cardo is always calmly reminding me that we just have to be patient and I want to growl in frustration at him when he says this. But, I know he's right. There is no easy way to jump ahead and suddenly, magically, have the things I want. The things we want.

So, I have two...personal growth type goals for myself for right now. One: stop procrastinating so much on everything. Sure, I won't get that last-minute adrenaline rush thing, but I'll also be a lot more calm (and, I hope, confident) along the way. Two: Be patient. Appreciate where I am now and really understand how that will lead to me reaching my goals.

G'night.

dream school

This is Cardo's dream school:

Kettering University (Flint, Michigan)
Best value for: Post-GM auto geeks
Tuition: $27,584 (first year)
This top engineering school offers a four-year professional co-op where students alternate semesters in class and on the job—earning as much as $26 an hour. Plus, you can minor in Fuel Cells and Hybrid Technology.

I found this in Mother Jones.

Now, I can spend my time looking up jobs and houses and schools for Pic and myself near/in Flint, Michigan. This is what I do with my non-sleeping hours of darkness.

and on we eat

Okay, so let me just apologize in advance for the food reviews and for the pictures: I apologize.

Alright, that said.

Tuesday night was cauliflower fritters and more broccoli. The recipe for the former was from Every Day with Rachael Ray. I'm not sure why I thought that I would like these, or why I thought they'd be a good idea. It turns out that I don't like fried food all that much and that I like to prepare it even less. I always become somewhat irked at the oil when it pops at me. (Really. I yell at it. It helps me.) I also don't like my apartment to smell like fried stuff. Cardo says that's how it should smell -- like we cook here -- but I always want the smell to immediately dissipate. Blech. It also turns out that not only does Cardo not really like broccoli, he also doesn't really like cauliflower. Pic, as I thought, wasn't too into it either, but that's just how she eats. I have to say that she did eat some of it, though.



Okay, so let me admit that I thought these would be a decent idea because the recipe is featured in the Take 5! section: the recipes contain five or fewer ingredients (not counting olive oil, salt and pepper). Yes, I'm lazy. No, I won't make these again. I'd much rather have either steamed cauliflower or blender cauliflower.

However, we did eat these on a blanket in the grass at the park. Right next to a row of leafy trees and, beyond them, the river. And, the weather was beautiful.

Last night, Cardo made dinner. He was scheduled to make chicken taquitos, which he did make, even though we had no lettuce or sour cream. Our taquitos looked so sad, so unadorned. They were simple but good enough. The color palette for our meal, though, consisted of corn and cornmeal (why are there so many paint colors named for food?). The carrots barely added a splash of color. Again, I apologize.



Nothing more fried this week please. Thank you.

So, tomorrow, I get to make that kale, potato, tomato thing. Oh, wait, that's Friday, I think. Tomorrow, we're having something like zucchini dip and broccoli, I believe. We probably need to eat our (store-bought) hummus, too. I suppose it'll be a dip-filled evening. Good for picnicking, though. Picnicking to be followed by an hour-long walk into the fading moments of summer.

Oh, and I had leftover baked ziti for breakfast today. It was good.