Thursday, April 15, 2010

it's just one of those days...

...that a girl goes through/when I'm angry inside/don't wanna take it out on you. [Why yes, that song does still occasionally get stuck in my head all these years later. I can't believe that I still know it as well as I do and that I'm admitting so much here.]

It has definitely been one of those days. I've always kind of suspected that Monica was singing to a lover, but my angst is more of a general thing. I've been at the brink of my breaking point for, I don't know, a couple of weeks now. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin (which is an absolutely disgusting prospect, but there you have it). I can't fall asleep, but I want to sleep all of the time. I can't seem to nail down any kind of a schedule. I don't have a moment that really feels all my own (even right now, when Pic is supposed to be resting, she's making very loud monkey noises in the other room). I feel like days are flying by and I'm accomplishing nothing at all in that time.

I need a bit of time to myself. I finally told this to Cardo and then what do I do? I automatically take back that request. He proposed taking her to a friend's house Saturday morning because he's going out, and I automatically said, "No, nevermind, it's okay." But it's not. I'm just so ridiculously restless that I both want to have some time alone and I don't. Actually, that's not true. I want some time alone, but I also want family time when Cardo is home. After he gets home and we eat dinner and play/walk/ride bikes outside, it's late and we start settling in. And, then, a whole day is, once again, gone. I hate to ask for time for myself. I know I'm not alone in this, as I've had many, many discussions with Auntie L regarding just this topic. While I know that a happy and sane mamma is essential to a happy and sane family, I feel selfish even wanting a break. ("From what?" I ask myself, a non-paycheck-earning person. Then I become upset because it's not like I do nothing all day, even though I feel like that's the case lately. Ugh and grrr.)

I'm not sure what this is about. It feels like cabin fever, except we are getting out. We get outside every day for at least an hour. Yet, I still feel like I'm losing it here.

So, I'm looking for suggestions for places for me to go hang out by myself. I feel weird going to the park alone because that's something we do as a family. I'm thinking maybe coffeehouse to curl up and read or stare mindlessly out of the window. What do you all do just for yourselves?

This definitely feels like a night when I want to call Cardo and ask him to pick me up a pint of Ben & Jerry's on his way home. (Were I a drinker, it'd be a pint of something much stronger than ice cream).

"Monica - Don't Take It Personal (Just One of Dem Days)" [Check out the cell phone!]