One of these dinners is from a bit ago. The second is from tonight (yesterday by the time I get this posted). Mmm, tonight's dinner was so good.
Dinner: Trader Joe's gnocchi, Trader Joe's garlic fries, strawberries. No secret prep. Little color. Not outrageously healthy. We were cleaning out the freezer.
Dinner: Cannellini and mozzarella bruschetta; mesclun, carrot and tuna salad. I always use S&W beans because I like the seasoning they add. I got a day-old loaf of parmesan-basil bread from House of Bread. I added dried basil because we don't have any fresh basil or parsley in the apartment. For the salad, I mixed canned tuna with O Tuscan Dressing. (O is Safeway's organic line. Actually, I don't know if it's Safeway's or not, I just know they sell it.) I added dijon mustard (we don't have yellow, but I liked the dijon) and freshly ground black pepper. I bought the bag-your-own mesclun and grated carrot onto it. No dessert. :(
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
and so we eat again
jolly 'olidays
Today is Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day. Now I want ice cream (okay, so I almost always want ice cream). Pic and I went to Recycled Records today and it’s located right next to Swenson’s. It was all I could do to not go to Swenson’s afterward.
“It was all I/he/she/etc could do” is one of those phrases I’ve had a weird relationship with over the years. I’ve always wanted to know the rest of the story. What was all someone could do? What else did said person try before reaching the all-important “it”?
Speaking of such phrases…recently I went on a daytrip with friends. On the road, we discussed pet-peeve phrases/words. Included was “I could care less.” Apparently I’m not the only one bothered by the phrase. “Really?” I want to ask, “how much less could you care?” Actually, I could probably not care less how much less someone else could care. (Did you follow that?)
One I didn’t bring up but that was cemented in my head (literally) when I was young, is “It was in the last place I looked.” I remember that my dad has always taken issue with this phrase. When I was old enough to understand, I had to agree. I’ve heard a stand-up comic rant on this subject, about who continues to look after she’s found her item.
One other phrase I have a secret relationship with (okay, so Lil shares this) is “To make a long story short….” I always want to yell out “Too late!” (Watch Clue, you’ll get it.)
Okay, so before I forget, I’d just like to mention that tomorrow is Mullet Day. That reminds me, I’d like a haircut.
Listening to: The Guess Who and the B-52s.
Monday, June 30, 2008
fields of reefer
I don’t really have much to say today. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep (four hours…I didn’t fall asleep until after four). Maybe it’s the anxiety about…everything.
I guess I just want to say “goodbye June, hello July.” July: the month of our family vacation (which we didn’t take last year due to horrendous lack of funds), the month of Indie’s visit, the month of our friends’ wedding (less than three full weeks now), the month of our own fifth wedding anniversary.
Although five years is really such a short amount of time – those of you who have been married much longer probably think of us as infants (well, maybe toddlers) in the world of marriages – I still feel like we’ve been through a lifetime’s worth of experiences together. Maybe this is because I’ve spent almost my entire adult life with Cardo.
Sometimes I feel like, after seven years of being together and about six of living together, we should have each other figured out. We should have us figured out. Now, I know that all relationships take constant work, but I’m still continually amazed to learn new things about Cardo, about us, about myself. Recently, I’ve realized that I need social interaction with my friends and he just doesn’t seem to need any beyond work and family. I’ve also realized that he’s much more accepting of me than I thought any person would ever be able to be. He’s probably come to learn that I’m much crazier than he ever thought I’d be. Such is the trade-off in life.
I never thought that this relationship stuff was going to be easy. I saw my parents argue. I’ve seen other couples argue. Recently, a friend used the metaphor that marriages are like gardens that we have to continually weed. (Of course, I thought she said, “Marriages are our weed.” Does anyone even use the word “weed”?)
So, anyway, I have no idea how this devolved into a freewrite about my marriage. Hmmm.
So, hello July.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
pack rat
Among the items that have moved with me since high school. I've finally started to let go...except, I kept the lady in green. (The second picture is incredibly dark, but it's the tag that came with my competition swim suit when I was on swim team in high school. Obviously a treasure to be valued for almost a decade.)
Monday, June 23, 2008
fear
Lately, I’ve been giving a lot of my life a closer look. Okay, so “lately” isn’t exactly the most accurate term. I’m always over-analyzing my life.
Anyhow, lately what I’ve been obsessing over is this desire I have to settle down already. I thought that at twenty-seven, I’d still feel so young, I’d still feel like there were so many opportunities open to me. And, I do…sometimes. It’s just when I focus on the next five to seven years of my life that are going to be devoted to PhD and the next three to five or more that are going to be devoted to finding a forever job that I start to get panicky. I feel trapped, suffocated. I keep asking myself, “Is this still what I really want?” and I don’t know that the answer is yes. The problem (one of them, at least) is that this is all I’m trained for. I have a Bachelors in English Literature. In a year, I hope to have a Masters in the same. I refuse to go back to serving and the only thing I’ve ever done aside from that is retail.
Since I was three, I wanted to be a teacher. I still believe that that is what I really want…or at least I think I do. I just don’t know that I’m emotionally and mentally capable of attaining that goal. Sometimes, now, I feel like I just want to disappear, become a recluse and somehow survive in this place I’ve crafted for myself.
I’m just starting to settle down here, form a community, a tiny little community, I feel comfortable with. Of course, because my community consists of people very much like me, many with similar goals, this community is fluid and I can’t bottle it. People have already moved and will be moving and, soon, I’ll be picking up again and settling down in some new and scary place.
And that’s the thing. I’m so afraid of everything. I’m afraid of creating new connections, but once I form them, I’m afraid of severing them. I’m afraid that maybe I’m just not really cut out for this. I’m afraid that one day Cardo will see that I’m so full of this fear to really live and take chances that he will grow tired of me and my timidity. And, I’m afraid that I will never allow myself to feel fulfilled, satisfied by my life and the choices I make, and avoid, in it.
And, I wonder if others have these feelings of self-doubt also, but I’m afraid to ask because if the answer is no, I’m not sure where to go from there.
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