fear

Lately, I’ve been giving a lot of my life a closer look. Okay, so “lately” isn’t exactly the most accurate term. I’m always over-analyzing my life.

Anyhow, lately what I’ve been obsessing over is this desire I have to settle down already. I thought that at twenty-seven, I’d still feel so young, I’d still feel like there were so many opportunities open to me. And, I do…sometimes. It’s just when I focus on the next five to seven years of my life that are going to be devoted to PhD and the next three to five or more that are going to be devoted to finding a forever job that I start to get panicky. I feel trapped, suffocated. I keep asking myself, “Is this still what I really want?” and I don’t know that the answer is yes. The problem (one of them, at least) is that this is all I’m trained for. I have a Bachelors in English Literature. In a year, I hope to have a Masters in the same. I refuse to go back to serving and the only thing I’ve ever done aside from that is retail.

Since I was three, I wanted to be a teacher. I still believe that that is what I really want…or at least I think I do. I just don’t know that I’m emotionally and mentally capable of attaining that goal. Sometimes, now, I feel like I just want to disappear, become a recluse and somehow survive in this place I’ve crafted for myself.

I’m just starting to settle down here, form a community, a tiny little community, I feel comfortable with. Of course, because my community consists of people very much like me, many with similar goals, this community is fluid and I can’t bottle it. People have already moved and will be moving and, soon, I’ll be picking up again and settling down in some new and scary place.

And that’s the thing. I’m so afraid of everything. I’m afraid of creating new connections, but once I form them, I’m afraid of severing them. I’m afraid that maybe I’m just not really cut out for this. I’m afraid that one day Cardo will see that I’m so full of this fear to really live and take chances that he will grow tired of me and my timidity. And, I’m afraid that I will never allow myself to feel fulfilled, satisfied by my life and the choices I make, and avoid, in it.

And, I wonder if others have these feelings of self-doubt also, but I’m afraid to ask because if the answer is no, I’m not sure where to go from there.