middle o' the night musings*

Right now, I feel like I'll never sleep again. I'm agitated, anxious, awake. I keep pulling on my hair and I'll be lucky to have any left by daylight. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through the next three weeks and then I'll be able to get back to all the things I've been neglecting: writing, cooking, cleaning. Spending time with my child, actually with her and not just near her. Spending time with my partner. Letting go, relaxing. Sleeping without feeling guilty for having slept.

I'm tired. I'm tired of this period of my life. I'm tired of berating myself for getting myself into this situation. I'm tired of being too afraid to do what I want.

In the meantime, I'm going through intense periods of productivity and idleness. Over the course of two days, I've watched enough television and movies to rot away a bazillion brain cells. However, during each hour of viewing, my mind was constantly torn between the screen and somewhere else. Not that I really need to give my full attention to Jumping Jack Flash (what? I'm truly a purveyor of fine film, yes?), but still.

I have hours of work to do still and it's closer to the end of the night than it is to the beginning of the night.

Three more weeks.

In the meantime, this is keeping me company:


"Hey Marseilles - Rio (Official Video)"

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* I have a friend who claims to despise the word "musings" so I hesitate to use it, but I'm a sucker for alliteration.