Wednesday, August 18, 2010

on commitment

As much as it chagrins me to admit it, I am one of those "all or nothing" people. I try to be more easy-going, but I completely and overly commit myself to everything I do. And, let me assure you, it's exhausting. I want to be able to say, "This is just a job," or, "This is just a friendship," or what have you, and let it go at that, but I can't. It would be nice to enjoy whatever it is I am doing while I'm doing it and then be able to go on to my next activity, free of thoughts of the last activity.

I am currently having a commitment problem. I am extending myself in too many different directions, and it's not even that many different directions really. I've been on-again, off-again with a stupid* deep, dark depression which has somewhat drained me of motivation. I'm striving to find some good motivation and to get things done and to want to do them.

Because I am having a difficult time getting things done, I just want to quit. All or nothing. Either I'm completely motivated and committed, or I'm not doing it, whatever "it" may be.

And here's the thing, I know what I want. I just want to open myself up to being able to do what I want. I want to have the confidence in myself that I've never had. I want to have the confidence in myself that many other people have in me. How is it that others can see something in me that I can't see?

Anyhow, I'm thinking that my personality is only exhausting because I am fighting it. Is that it? Perhaps.


* Pic will not allow us to say "stupid." She tells us, "Hey, watch your words."