Saturday, April 30, 2011

on endings

Endings make me anxious. No matter how much I look forward to (certain) endings and count down the days, hours, minutes, the closer I get, the more real an ending seems, the more nervous I get about what will come next. Perhaps I shouldn't be like this. Perhaps I should be reveling in the moment (that's the current party line, yes? and it's even one I completely agree with, but it's one I have a difficult time living up to).

So, very soon, I'll reach an end of my latest venture. And, I've been looking forward to the possibilities that opens up, while I've been trying to let myself completely enjoy what it is I've been doing.

At the same time, I'm forgetting. Sometimes, I think this is part of how humans get through life. If we couldn't forget the stress and the pain, if those memories didn't fade allowing the awesome memories to shine, how and why would any of us get out of bed in the morning?

I've forgotten how stressed and close to my lowest-low I was just several months ago. I'm forgetting how little sleep I've allowed myself and how disconnected from my family I've let myself become over the last two-and-a-half months. While I'm not ever really comfortable with change, I'm actually pretty quick to adapt to it and then forget that anything different came before and that anything different might follow.

I think this is part of why Cardo loves having committed himself to sticking with me until one of us is no longer of this world. Really.

So, my goal for the upcoming months is to learn to be open to possibilities and to realize that there are possibilities. I might not like all of them, but they're there. I need to remember that my choices have led me where I am. I've chosen this. I'm big on stressing that right now with Pic -- talking to her about why we choose to spend our time and money the way we do, about why Cardo and I chose that these last eight months have gone the way they have, and so on.

So, right now, I'm going to choose to not freak out about three weeks from now and three months from now and three years from now (I could really go on), because there isn't much I can do about those days right now.

I'm also going to choose to work for the next two-and-a-half hours and then go home and not watch the Nancy Drew movie again.