give me 100ccs of something, stat

Am I the only one who ever wonders if I should be medicated? Are, am I the only one still wondering while everyone else is medicated? (I more doubt the second.)

I've been wondering more and more often lately if I should be on something. I don't know what. Anti-anxiety medication (which my doctor has told me is what is prescribed for depression)? Sleeping pills? Get-off-my-butt-and-get-motivated-and-stop-whining pills? All of the preceding?

There are lots of days, most days sometimes, when I wonder if the way I always feel is normal, if it's the way I'll always feel and if it's right or if I could and should feel differently, less full of worry and woe, less tired, lethargic, apathetic.

Right now, I'm coasting. I'm doing well enough. I'm trying to keep busy. I'm dreaming, but not sleeping. I'm trying to give myself over to the direction I'm taking in my life, but I'm also trying to figure out who I am and what I want. It's been a long time since I've been here. I've been floating along for so long, doing what was supposed to come next because I'm always overwhelmed by the vast amount of possibilities. Now, I've put things on hold and I see that vast horizon and, well, I like the mountains. (That was a fun, convoluted metaphor, no?)

I keep thinking of the Dixie Chicks's "More Love". Specifically, the line, "We're afraid to be idle/So we fill up the days." I spend a lot of time there.



So, general advice? Other than, 'Just get over it already,' because that doesn't work for me.

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P. S. That song keeps freezing up at about 1:15 for me. Sorry if it does the same for you. I swear the lyrics are there.

preternatural productivity

(But not reproductivity, mind you.)

Again, I am up at an hour I should not be awake. You might be thinking, 'Hello, seven? How is that an hour at which one should not be awake?' Okay, so I went to sleep pre-nine-o'clock last night. I'm dragging along here under the weather. So, once again, I fell asleep on the couch. Cardo, once again, came to retrieve me for bed. He got me up at about one (wow, that man is staying up pretty late, lately). I fell right back asleep. The next thing I know, Pic is there, asking to get in our bed because her bedroom is scary to her (this is a new one for us). I figure it's pretty close to the time Cardo has to get up for work, so I go back to sleep for what I believe will only be a few minutes. And, I was right. However, it was somewhere around two when Pic came in and somewhere around two-thirty when she decided to get up for the day. Yes, that's right.

I got her some fruit, which she insisted on eating in her room. I thought she'd go back to sleep and I went to check on her around 3:45. She was not asleep. She joined me in the living room to watch some Gilmore Girls. Then, she cleaned her room so that she would be able to watch something of her choosing.

So, what have I gotten done today? I have washed the dishes. I have given the covert cat fresh water and food and replenished the food in the bin. I have cleaned the cat pan and emptied all of the small waste baskets around the apartment. I took out the trash from the apartment, plus the bag we had sitting on the porch (classy, I know). I have read a couple of Newsweek articles. I have made toast for Pic and tea for myself. I have sorted out the recyclables and put the paper products in Cardo's car for him to take out (they no longer have a bin for that at our apartments...it's been gone for years now, actually). I have planned out what Pic and I are going to do today (aside from taking a looong nap). I have made myself a cup of tea. (I have decided that this would have worked well as a bullet-point list.)

Now, if I can get around to showering, vacuuming and putting away that last load of laundry today, I'll feel that today has been something of a success.

Geez.

Well, I'm off to wake up Cardo and see if he wants some coffee (and, if he does, I'm also off to ask him what the coffee/water ratio is again).

sleep, glorious sleep

Yesterday was one of those totally blah days. I had no energy, very little appetite and no desire to be anywhere but bed. This could have something to do with inadvertently pulling an all-nighter the previous night. I just couldn't sleep. Then, Cardo got up at five and he and I spent three hours watching Gilmore Girls. (I only have up until the end of season four, so we're almost finished. Then, it's off to Netflix.) I took a nap for almost three hours, or about three hours, or something, on Friday, but, hey, that's not enough.

So, yesterday, I was asleep by about seven in the evening. I woke up a couple of times and Cardo came to the living room to get me when he went to be at almost one (that's really late for him). I just got up about twenty minutes ago. I'm hoping for a better, more productive day today. Although, yesterday, we did run several errands, including hitting the Grassroots Books parking lot sale, the rest of which has been postponed until next weekend due to the weather.

Speaking of the weather, though, I believe we're going to get all bundled up la questa mattina and go for a walk at the parks. We did this on Friday, also, although we didn't make it as long as usual. I hurt my foot a couple of weeks ago and, while it's almost back to normal, it isn't up to more than an hour of walking on it at one time (hello prepositional phrases!). It could also have something to do with our trying out some roller skating for the first time in so many years I cannot even recall. I believe it's been more than a decade. I didn't make it very far, but I'll keep trying. I have even more respect now for Furie Queene and her skating abilities!

from the end of time

From the last few pages of the September 21st issue of Time. A few points of interest, for one reason or another.

I see that Dolly Parton is releasing a four-disc box set next month. Sign me up, please.

I also see that A. S. Byatt has a (or, should I say the) children’s book coming out next month also. It’s called The Children’s Book. Here’s the synopsis from the magazine:

A. S. Byatt (Possession) returns to the 19th century with The Children’s Book, which centers on English fairy-tale author Olive Wellwood. The novel traces the Wellwoods’ fortunes – and reveals their secrets – as they navigate the tectonic cultural shift from Victorian to modern.

I once wrote a paper entitled “On Possession” and I used the word ‘possession’ so many times that it lost all meaning to me. Perhaps I should read that book again, though, as it has been calling to me from my shelf for quite some time now. ‘Hello, v. Here I am possessing your thoughts. Read me NOW.’ How can I resist that?

Finally, something I’m not really interested in, although I know Cardo will want to read it, a brief sum-up of Dan Brown’s recently released The Lost Symbol. (Actually, if it’s in the apartment, I’ll probably read it also, even if I do figure out the freaking answer a couple of hundred pages before Langdon does as I did with the book with the Pope clue.)

Dan Brown’s follow-up to The Da Vinci Code reunites symbology-starved fans with their spiritual leader, Robert Langdon. The book follows 12 hours of his life and involves Freemasonry. Also, a symbol.

Hee hee. [I so try to not to write out my giggles, chuckles, snickers and chortles, because I feel so dorky doing so, but I couldn’t help it here.]

gee, thanks...i suppose

I found this (TX Board of Ed Member: Minorities Must Be Thankful To Majorities) here.

I love that he points out that women didn't vote for our right to vote. Men gave that to us. Um, duh.

Wow.

(I also love that the woman standing at the podium is just speechless. I like to think it's because she can't think of any publicly appropriate response to this man who seems to want the very ground he walks on to be worshipped.)

a few favorites

These are a few of my favorite children’s books. As I come across more that Pic and I enjoy, I’ll share more…possibly. (I tend to start projects and let them drift off into the ether.)

The Piggy in the Puddle by Charlotte Pomerantz, illustrated by James Marshall. I love to read this book aloud. Immediately after I finish it, I want to read it aloud again. It’s that fun.

See the piggy,
See the puddle,
See the muddy little puddle.
See the piggy in the middle
Of the muddy little puddle.

Also, there’s a great Reading Rainbow segment (ah, Reading Rainbow) in which clay artists create a claymation version of this.

The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch, illustrated by Michael Martchenko. I’m not sure how the paper bag survived the initial disaster, but that’s okay. I love the story. I love that the prince and the princess both have personalities and that this doesn’t end up all sappy and conventional. (Oh, and apparently, you can buy a copy on amazon for $112...I'm hoping it comes with a dragon.)

The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry and the Big Hungry Bear by Don Wood and Audrey Wood. I love the illustrations. I love that Pic had this memorized just about the first time she heard it and that she reads it to me. Oh, and I love the illustrations.

london calling…sorry, wrong number; or, involuntary self-reflection

(the second part of my title is a phrase i heard once in class. rather than question it, i smiled and wrote it down)

i’m sitting in a hotel room on bedford place, london as i write this. i can hear the constant traffic and the echoing voices from three stories down from outside my open window. i don’t have internet access here (hell, i don’t even have a toilet in my room), so, by the time i post this, i will be back in my somewhat cluttered office in my apartment. my apartment in reno, yes.

this is not easy for me to compose. i have been mentally doing so and i keep stalling. i am pretty sure that over these past few months and, in a much-concentrated way, over the past few days, i have experienced something akin to a midlife crisis…except, i am hoping that i still have a while to go before i reach midlife.

anyhow, as i said, this is difficult for me to compose. let me start by apologizing, because i feel that is what i need to do. i feel like i have been on autopilot for so long now, not stopping to really, deeply examine any particular aspect of my life, simply going in the direction i thought was forward, not realizing that there wasn’t only one ‘forward.’

so, about that apology. i apologize to cardo, pic and the covert cat for having disrupted so much in my efforts to do what i thought i might possibly want. i apologize to the rest of my family for asking for their support (especially the financial support i asked of my parents) in reaching this goal. i apologize to those of you from whom i asked well wishes and who i led to believe that this was the next step i really wanted to take. i apologize to dr jones and to dr hoxton (as i will refer to her) and to ms s for putting in so much effort to get me to where i am right now (at the time of composing this, not so much at the time of posting). i greatly and deeply appreciate the support, the well-wishes and the efforts made on my behalf and i don’t know how to repay them, except to be there to support your goals and your hopes in whatever way i can, even if it is only to offer my wishes for your happiness and fulfillment.

i apologize to myself for not listening. i have never been good at this. i either ignore or i shut down, which leads to too much involuntary self-reflection and then jumping into whatever is available and once again ignoring.

i thought that this might be what i wanted. i refused to say ‘when’ this happens, but stuck with ‘if’ this happens. every time another hurdle was behind me, cardo asked me if i was excited, and i was never able to answer with a ‘yes.’ i know that i probably sounded excited to others, but this is part of how i work. i don’t want others to be uncomfortable or to worry about me. i don’t always share the truth because it’s easier to say that everythig is ‘fine’ and let others believe that everything really is.

everything isn’t and hasn’t been for some time. i’m not sure what to do about this. there are some things i am still sure of. i still want to teach. i still want to go on to get my phd. i still hope that that will be possible. i still want to own a house. i still want to be with my family as much as possible.

there are many things i am unsure of. i am not sure what my next step is going to be. i am not sure that i won’t shut down now, refusing to let people in and shutting myself off from others who might need me. i am unsure of who i am and where i will end up.

i despise those big questions looming. they pick me up and drag me to the cave of despaire, where i have no una to reassure me that i am chosen and that no matter what, i will survive because that is how it is meant to be. at times, i feel i have no armor to shield me from what i let attack me, what i attack myself with.

i meant this to be much more lighthearted, as casually joking about hardship is how i usually cope, but i’m not feeling lighthearted right now. maybe in a few years. maybe when i feel that things are back on track. maybe when i figure out just where that track even is.

in the meantime, thank you for all of your support. it’s good to know that others have faith in me, even when i have none. i’ll start now in trying to internalize some of that, even if it means reciting affirmations a la stuart smalley. (perhaps there is a bit of the lighthearted in me yet.)

[note: i wrote this elsewhere. as usual, that 'elsewhere' doesn't adhere to upper-case letters. also, i've had a couple of days to let this sink in and i'm calm and doing pretty well. i hope you all are doing well also.]

[p.s. if you now need to hear the song, you can go here. embedding has been disabled.]