london calling…sorry, wrong number; or, involuntary self-reflection

(the second part of my title is a phrase i heard once in class. rather than question it, i smiled and wrote it down)

i’m sitting in a hotel room on bedford place, london as i write this. i can hear the constant traffic and the echoing voices from three stories down from outside my open window. i don’t have internet access here (hell, i don’t even have a toilet in my room), so, by the time i post this, i will be back in my somewhat cluttered office in my apartment. my apartment in reno, yes.

this is not easy for me to compose. i have been mentally doing so and i keep stalling. i am pretty sure that over these past few months and, in a much-concentrated way, over the past few days, i have experienced something akin to a midlife crisis…except, i am hoping that i still have a while to go before i reach midlife.

anyhow, as i said, this is difficult for me to compose. let me start by apologizing, because i feel that is what i need to do. i feel like i have been on autopilot for so long now, not stopping to really, deeply examine any particular aspect of my life, simply going in the direction i thought was forward, not realizing that there wasn’t only one ‘forward.’

so, about that apology. i apologize to cardo, pic and the covert cat for having disrupted so much in my efforts to do what i thought i might possibly want. i apologize to the rest of my family for asking for their support (especially the financial support i asked of my parents) in reaching this goal. i apologize to those of you from whom i asked well wishes and who i led to believe that this was the next step i really wanted to take. i apologize to dr jones and to dr hoxton (as i will refer to her) and to ms s for putting in so much effort to get me to where i am right now (at the time of composing this, not so much at the time of posting). i greatly and deeply appreciate the support, the well-wishes and the efforts made on my behalf and i don’t know how to repay them, except to be there to support your goals and your hopes in whatever way i can, even if it is only to offer my wishes for your happiness and fulfillment.

i apologize to myself for not listening. i have never been good at this. i either ignore or i shut down, which leads to too much involuntary self-reflection and then jumping into whatever is available and once again ignoring.

i thought that this might be what i wanted. i refused to say ‘when’ this happens, but stuck with ‘if’ this happens. every time another hurdle was behind me, cardo asked me if i was excited, and i was never able to answer with a ‘yes.’ i know that i probably sounded excited to others, but this is part of how i work. i don’t want others to be uncomfortable or to worry about me. i don’t always share the truth because it’s easier to say that everythig is ‘fine’ and let others believe that everything really is.

everything isn’t and hasn’t been for some time. i’m not sure what to do about this. there are some things i am still sure of. i still want to teach. i still want to go on to get my phd. i still hope that that will be possible. i still want to own a house. i still want to be with my family as much as possible.

there are many things i am unsure of. i am not sure what my next step is going to be. i am not sure that i won’t shut down now, refusing to let people in and shutting myself off from others who might need me. i am unsure of who i am and where i will end up.

i despise those big questions looming. they pick me up and drag me to the cave of despaire, where i have no una to reassure me that i am chosen and that no matter what, i will survive because that is how it is meant to be. at times, i feel i have no armor to shield me from what i let attack me, what i attack myself with.

i meant this to be much more lighthearted, as casually joking about hardship is how i usually cope, but i’m not feeling lighthearted right now. maybe in a few years. maybe when i feel that things are back on track. maybe when i figure out just where that track even is.

in the meantime, thank you for all of your support. it’s good to know that others have faith in me, even when i have none. i’ll start now in trying to internalize some of that, even if it means reciting affirmations a la stuart smalley. (perhaps there is a bit of the lighthearted in me yet.)

[note: i wrote this elsewhere. as usual, that 'elsewhere' doesn't adhere to upper-case letters. also, i've had a couple of days to let this sink in and i'm calm and doing pretty well. i hope you all are doing well also.]

[p.s. if you now need to hear the song, you can go here. embedding has been disabled.]