Tuesday, October 6, 2009

give me 100ccs of something, stat

Am I the only one who ever wonders if I should be medicated? Are, am I the only one still wondering while everyone else is medicated? (I more doubt the second.)

I've been wondering more and more often lately if I should be on something. I don't know what. Anti-anxiety medication (which my doctor has told me is what is prescribed for depression)? Sleeping pills? Get-off-my-butt-and-get-motivated-and-stop-whining pills? All of the preceding?

There are lots of days, most days sometimes, when I wonder if the way I always feel is normal, if it's the way I'll always feel and if it's right or if I could and should feel differently, less full of worry and woe, less tired, lethargic, apathetic.

Right now, I'm coasting. I'm doing well enough. I'm trying to keep busy. I'm dreaming, but not sleeping. I'm trying to give myself over to the direction I'm taking in my life, but I'm also trying to figure out who I am and what I want. It's been a long time since I've been here. I've been floating along for so long, doing what was supposed to come next because I'm always overwhelmed by the vast amount of possibilities. Now, I've put things on hold and I see that vast horizon and, well, I like the mountains. (That was a fun, convoluted metaphor, no?)

I keep thinking of the Dixie Chicks's "More Love". Specifically, the line, "We're afraid to be idle/So we fill up the days." I spend a lot of time there.

So, general advice? Other than, 'Just get over it already,' because that doesn't work for me.


P. S. That song keeps freezing up at about 1:15 for me. Sorry if it does the same for you. I swear the lyrics are there.


lotsofglue said...

I was/am where you are. I have fought depression, lost, won, lost, won, I could sleep for hours on end and be up all night. I would go thru spats of incredible artwork only to have all my interest fizzle out.
Well more like the lightbulb in my brain clicked off.
I have ADD. It was untreated until recently, part of having ADD and being female is the wonderful world of depression, and dyslexia. To name two symptoms.
While being intellegent, I could not pay attention in school, forgot instantly what people said, hated homework that lasted more than five min, could not plan ahead for projects.

Medication can help but can be dangerously close to a crutch. I took Z*loft for 3years,for panic attacks that were making me black out, and everyone commented on how my whole demenor changed and how much "nicer" it was to be around me. (which sucked to hear and gave me a whole new set of stigmas)
I felt the meds were not working as well because the panic attacks came back and were worse.
I got off the meds, felt better, got out of the bad work environment.
I started on the Add*ral, and felt the static in my mind clear, literally.Icould hear myself think and focus.I got pregnant and knew just from reading the bottle that I had to stop taking them, and stop smoking and stop caffine.
It was a hard pregnancy due to the fact my depression was so bad, mixed with migrains.
Now after my bouncy baby girl was 18 months old I went bad to get my ADD treated. At first it was amazing, i got so much done, I could write again, I could do artwork and think straight.
The downside is the insomnia, and a much shorter temper. I have a mouth on me naturally and the meds do have a side effect of anger with some people. So to counteract that the doc has me take X*nex.

While meds might solve a set of problems, they might cause another set of problems.

You might want to think about going to a naturalpath to have a Salvia test done. They can test four vials of your Salvia taken at different times of the day and then will sit down and explain what levels of hormones are off including thyroid and adreanal gland( if your adreal gland if not prducing then you will have issues getting up in the morning- my mom would stay in bed for days)
Then the naturalpath can compound what you are missing and make it into a cream for about 35$ a month (around here anyway)

I know this was an insane amount of info:)