life: a circle or a line...or something

Someone close(ish) to our family recently lost his father. Yes, I despise death euphemisms, but that's the only way I could figure to word that sentence right now.

Anyhow, my screwy grammar isn't the point. The point is that I've talked to Pic about death before and we've been discussing it more lately due to the above and other events and instances. The other day, she said something about my mom's dad. I told Pic that my mom's dad isn't alive anymore. Then, she asked me why.

A few days ago, a group of us were signing a sympathy card for the above sort-of-mentioned person whose father just died. When Pic asked why we were signing a card, I told her it was because his dad died. Again, she asked why.

Explaining death to my four-year-old has proven somewhat difficult. I've attempted (and here documented) it before. I wasn't all that successful. How am I to be successful when I have zero idea what death is all about? I wanted to tell her that these people were older (or, well, old), but then what happens when I say that someone else we know is 'old'? Will she automatically think that other person is on the verge of death? I want to tell her that perhaps they were sick, but again, what happens next time I tell her I'm sick, or, even more disconcerting, when I tell her that I think she's getting sick?

I oh-so-lamely told her something about death being a part of life (hello oxymoronic something-or-other). 'We're born, we live and then we die. It's just what happens.' Yes, that clears it all up. I have clearly given my child all of the answers she needs. Mamma of the year, right here, folks.

I then went on to tell her what I think happens after we die, but I doubt that was very helpful to her either. And, as with most arguments I try to make, I qualified the statement in the exact manner I just mentioned: what I think happens. Why can't I just tell her, 'What happens is...'? Would that even help? I really think not, because what does she do when she encounters probably most of the people she will encounter who will tell her that I'm wrong? At the same time that I want to give her definite answers to sooth the gnawing uncertainty, I want her to remain openminded.

So, gah and ugh, this has been not fun. Not to mention (wait, I'm about to mention it), my own deep anxiety about death. It doesn't matter what I believe happens after I die, I still can't convince myself that I can just let go and die. I take this as a good sign right now that I'm not finished living, that I have the resolve to go on, but this is mainly optimistic thinking. I can only hope that when it's my time to move on (or whatever), I'll have accepted the fact that I too must die.