Tuesday, August 18, 2009

the mean reds...

...again, I know.

Today has been something of a blah day. Actually, I guess the entire day hasn't been so bad, it just feels like it has at this point. I couldn't sleep last night (big shock, yes, I know), so it feels like pretty much the moment I did manage to get to sleep, it was time to get up and take Cardo to work. Pic and I had some errands today, so we preferred access to the car. I'm sure, though, that my overall funk has to do with too little sleep, too much stress and a definite need for a break.

I know that there are people who would think, 'What exactly do you need a break from?' (or, even, 'From what exactly do you need a break?' if you want to have fancy syntax that really makes no difference, but which still haunts me). I need a break from constant Mamma-Pic time. I love it, I cherish it, I'm happy and grateful that I have, it, but sometimes Pic and I just need our space from one another. And, it doesn't matter that I know this and that I believe it to be healthy and normal (taking a break from the person I spend ALL of my waking hours with), I still feel guilty and sucky about it. And, it doesn't help that when I'm this far sunk in my funk (ha!), and I try to talk to Cardo about it, he just doesn't get it. At all. And how can I expect him to? He's never been the one to be at home because, hello, we need money for things like rent and food. But I was just so irked tonight by the way he seemed so dismissive of my frustration, of my restlessness. It was kind of like, 'Sorry. But if things work out, you'll be spending all of your time with her anyway.' Which just isn't true. I'll be somewhere with people my own age a few times a week while she'll be elsewhere with people her own age a few times a week. That, it seems obvious to me, is different.

Anyhow, I can't expend any more energy on this right now. I'm the one who's made my choices. No one forced me to do things this way. And, overall, I'm happy. I just currently happen to be happy in a burnt-out kind of way.

All of that, I needed to get out, but I also felt I needed to set up the general state of mean-redness to somehow justify the amount of tv watching that went on here today because that has to do with the rest of what I wanted to share.

After Pic and I went to gather Cardo from work, she wanted to go swimming. I was not in the mood (at freaking all...I just wanted to sleep), so I asked Cardo if he'd feel comfortable taking her on his own. He wasn't. He's not a swimmer and I understand that he doesn't want to risk anything happening. So, we all suited up, Pic tucked into her floaties, and went to the pool where I never put more than my feet in.

One of our neighbors, who adores kids, was there. He was asking Pic what her favorite show was. 'Is it SpongeBob?' She shook her head, 'no.' We are not a SpongeBob watching household. Then, he asked her, 'Is it iCarly.' Again, with the headshake. Okay, so we're neither a Nickelodeon nor a Disney Channel household. Partly because we don't have those channels anymore (since December, we've had about four channels), but mainly because most shows I've come across on those channels annoy me. 'I like PBS Kids,' she told him, 'They have Dinosaur Train. It's going to start next month.' She's been very excited about this upcoming show.

Pic and I are both pretty enamored of PBS Kids. Actually, we both also like PBS Kids Go (the children's programing in the afternoon). I feel lucky that we have so many shows available, and I love the set-up: preschool/early grade school programing in the mornings and shows for older kids in the afternoons. I've been very into Sid the Science Kid lately. I'd have to say that Pic's current favorite is either Super WHY! or Word Girl (apparently she has a thing for superheros). So, yes, about all the tv today. We watched part of Sid the Science Kid, then Super WHY!, Clifford the Big Red Dog and, finally (I know) part of Sesame Street (until Elmo's World came on and it was time for us to go...except, she later watched an episode of Elmo's World on a DVD that was gifted to Pic). Ugh. If we don't get back to what I consider a normal schedule (school for the both of us) soon, we're close to becoming a pair of Helen Sharps, obsessively watching tv while using our fingers to eat frosting from plastic containers.


lotsofglue said...

I have the same issues..."omigod please go bug someone else for awhile. I promise I can pee on my own. Stop banging on the door."
It is so normal, the guilt too. I go thru it very day.
And no mine sig other doesn't get it either.
cliche-- but hang in there, you are so not alone in this:)