the weight of my world

For the last month, I’ve once again been food-journaling: I’ve been writing down everything I eat. I know that my eating has been somewhat out of control for a very long time now. I never sit around an wonder how my body got in the shape it’s in – I know how I eat and how I exercise. I’ve basically been maintaining the same, unsatisfactory-to-me, weight for the last year. While I know I’ve eaten somewhat atrociously, I’ve purposely been largely myopic when it’s come to really looking at what I’ve been putting in my body. Actually, it’s more like I’ve noticed, but, at the same time, I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve finally decided to do something about the state of my body (I’m imagining here something like The State of the Body, like the State of the Union/State because, well, I’m strange like that).

So, for the last month, I’ve been paying more attention to what I eat and what is in what I eat. The way I’m journalling (that’s a verb, right?) can be somewhat tedious, and I have to say, ‘Thanks be for the interweb and it’s plethora of information.’ I’ve only been good at this once before, and that was right after Pic was born and I needed to lose the pregnancy weight so I could fit into my dress for Poke’s wedding. I’m hoping that I’ll stick with this for a while. But for how long?

And this is where I get into my over-analysis. I loathe that I am a well-educated (okay, let’s face it, over-educated) woman with plenty of privileges and I’m so worried about the issue of my size. I’m not talking size in numbers – inches or weight – I’m talking the size and shape of my body. I despise that I think about this so much. Shouldn’t I be focused on other things? Family, career, learning, ecc? Shouldn’t I be able to look at myself and be okay with what I see no matter what it is that I see? Shouldn’t I just be able to accept what I so nonchalantly tell Pic, that people are just many different sizes and shapes (we also discuss other features, such as color, but that’s not pertinent here)? Yes, I think the answer to all of those questions is yes. But the real answer I serve myself is ‘Um, no, because have you looked at yourself lately?’

And, then, there I go feeling pathetic again. I tell myself that I need to get in better shape for my health. And, I suppose this is true. I know that I feel I need to be in better shape to feel more comfortable with myself and in my own body. I also know that I have this ideal body image in mind and that I would really like to look like it but that I feel so superficial admitting that.

So, wow, I’ve really gotten away from my starting point. I tend to do that, I know. For now, I’ll be paying attention to things like calories and ingredients and the numbers on the scale and the tape measure, because those are the concrete bits I can get at. I’ll most likely not blog about this much because I’m not nearly secure enough to put that much information out here in the great wide ether. We’ll see how this goes.

Some notes:
I know that I’m the one who drew attention to my body, but please don’t feel obligated to say anything complimentary about it either here or in real life. (I can put stuff out here that I can write about, but that I’m just not comfortable actually talking about. I'm just thinking and working through this in writing here.)

If I bake in the near future, as I am feeling wont to do, those near me may end up with the extras lest I feel the need to finish them off myself. I’m thinking to make some chocolate crinkles (my favorite cookies). Anyone nearby interested in a few? (I’ve never made them myself before…just a little warning.)

When the weather is nice enough again, and, more importantly, when the sidewalks aren’t so covered in snow-turned-ice, I’ll be doing a lot more walking again if anyone cares to tag along. (Cardo and I have decided that we’re somewhat boring, but walking makes me happy and keeps me sane and I think Cardo prefers me in a happy sane state so he walks with me. I imagine us, years in the future, as little old people, wrapped in cardigans, out for our daily strolls around the block.)