Saturday, February 27, 2010

the struggle within

I've been struggling a lot lately. My most dreaded question, very often asked of me, is "What have you been doing lately?" or any variation thereof. I always want to be flip and say, "Nothing much. Just hanging out." I resort to this because I have a hard time not earning money myself. I hate that I link the "value" of my life, of my contribution to my family, to money, but I do it anyhow.

I don't want to get too far into this right now -- or ever, really. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I was talking to Auntie L about this just the other day and we're both trying to find some kind of balance in our respective lives.

I (let myself) get so overwhelmed by the details in my life, that I start to feel as if I'm drowning or being suffocated. I dream big dreams and then fall into despondency when I realize there are so many little details that need to be taken care of me to reach those dreams. I definitely, very often, forget to enjoy where I am and what I'm doing; I forget that life is way too short to fill it up with worry and doubt.

Tonight, though, curled up on the armchair, Pic snuggled into the blanket with me, Cardo nearby on the couch, I took a moment to let myself fill with the joy that being with my family can bring. We were watching a DVD of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and Pic and I were loving it while Cardo was shaking his head and letting me know that he thinks I'm weird and Pic's following me down that road. It was nice to just take a step back from the bills and the debts and the lack of...purpose in my life right now. I need to step back (or jump back!) more often.

I was even more focused on my family today after I heard news about the earthquake in Chile that hit earlier today. My heart goes out to the Chileans. And, at the same time, my heart is firmly rooted here, in my little home.


gunma-gal said...

I'm sorry you're struggling. If it makes you feel better, I view your life as something that I feel is very lucky.

I'm not very good at the big dreams, although I used to be. I realized at one point, though, that I'm happier living in the moment. This has it's downsides, too, though. When people ask me, "Oh, what are you going to do at (this or that) point in your life?", because I don't necessarily plan very far ahead, my answer is always the same: "I have no idea." And I sometimes feel that I get looks for that answer, as though I should be planning, should have some idea. I don't let it bother me, though. The way I look at it, life can't always be planned. When a next step is necessary, then I figure out what to do.

Your post, though, reminded me of Avenue Q, and the emphasis on PURPOSE. :)

v said...

Ms Furie, I had the Avenue Q song in mind, but two things: I couldn't find a good enough video of it and I thought it didn't quite work with the tone. Okay, three things, I didn't know if it would be too sad to point out how much I related to the song.

Thank you for your kind words. I also feel very lucky to have the life I do. Cardo and I often talk about this. Yet, I still get hung up on small stuff.

As far as focusing on the now and not building up the future to big-dream proportions, this is something I've been doing more and more (except the dream of wanting a house...I still want one one day).