awake

I took a nap this afternoon. I know, big deal, right? I really can't nap during the day because then I really don't sleep at night. I'd love to go out for a walk, but it's beyond late, it's dark and it's cold. I'm tucked away in the den, listening to music (Basia Bulat's "Heart of My Own" right now), reading, typing and listening to Pic sing in my room.

My whole rhythm has been off for longer than I care to say. I lay, sit, pace, awake in the dark hours while I languish during the daylight ones. I put on a pretty convincing (I think) facade when needed, but those hours are few. My clock is all turned around. While others have been tucked into bed for hours, I'm wide awake, my mind racing with ideas, anxieties, desires. And, here's the thing: I prefer it this way. I like to walk in the evening, in the setting sun. I like to come home and clean up and settle in to read and write. I've never been a 9-to-5 (or 7-to-5 or 8-to-6 or whatever) type. I've been a nightowl since birth and I've come to know that this isn't going to change.

I'm aware of one very big drawback to this: no matter how much I turn up the volume on the music I'm listening to, the nighttime hours are just quieter than then daytime ones. I can't distract myself as easily at night and I get wrapped up in my head. I get lost in dangerous places. Sleep refuses to visit.

I'm not exactly sure what to do about this, but here it is.