Tuesday, May 25, 2010

my commonplace life: part i

Whenever one door closes, another opens.

I know there are other versions of that saying, but that's the one I'm going with.

I've been wallowing. For the last four months, I believe, perhaps longer. I've felt like I've been experiencing set-back after set-back and I'm having a hard time getting to my feet and staying there. The Sunday before last, I received yet another rejection. I had my first good cry after a several-months-long hiatus. I need to sob, bawl, wail every once in a while. I don't feel healthy if I repress this too long.

Since that Sunday, I've begun steadying myself once again. I've started to realize just how completely silly and self-involved I've been. It's so easy to wrap myself up in my own life. Not hard, of course, considering it's the only life I'm currently living.

I've often been told that my life seems good from the outside, that I seem to be a pretty lucky person. My life is good and I have been a pretty lucky person. Not everything has been super easy. There are times when it feels like nothing in the past many years has been super easy, but that's just me wallowing. When I lift my head long enough to see the light, I realize it's a pretty dazzling light. I'm not sure why it's so easy for me to dwell on the negative in my own life and only focus on the positive in everyone else's lives. I have to force myself to realize just how privileged and lucky I am. So, while I strive for balance in my life, I'll strive for seeing the balance.

For now, I'm attempting a return to a place I thought I had permanently left. I'm taking a year to come back down from the cloud I've been floating along on (and, perhaps, I don't want to come back down from this cloud, seeing as how it has taken me all this time to...nevermind) and rejoin reality.

This is not to say I'm giving up on dreams. I'll continue in my daydreaming ways. I'll just do it while treading the soil...for now.


Kat said...

I am sorry about the "rejection." I hate it when we can't get our way. I try to tell myself that this is THE path and that I am on it because I am supposed to be here... but it's hard.

Good luck with all. To both of us ;)

kate said...

I'm so sorry V. You know I'm always here if you need me. ((hugs))

v said...

Hey Ladies, thanks for the support! The rejection was actually nice, but it was a bit of a blow nonetheless. Ah, well. Such is life.

Also, I think I meant to stop rambling and get around to open doors at some point. My open door is teeny, but I think I might fit.

I'm trying to figure out where this path leads. Somewhere good? I hope.