i see me, and i like what i see

That line does not apply to myself. I just like Death Becomes Her. Besides, my dad's in it.

I was talking with a friend about aging with grace and I wonder if I will be able to do this. I started thinking about it again because of this momversation (still not a fan of the title).



Where do I draw the line? I don't color my hair now. The greys hide in the rest, for now. I've had it highlighted twice, but it's been almost six years. I have this weird superstition that if I ever dye it completely, it'll never grow back the same color and I actually like my hair color. I don't do Botox or anything like that (I doubt that will change because the thought of injecting something into my face freaks me right out). Hell, I don't even pluck my eyebrows (now you'll all be staring at my unruly brows, won't you?). I do wear make-up. I have been wearing it for about a year now. I wear Bare Minerals foundation stuff. (Soon, it'll be a much more affordable drugstore brand, but I'm still using my first little pot of Bare Minerals.) I occasionally get my hair cut and this alters my appearance, of course. I own this Olay eye gel stuff, but I only used it about seven times and that was last summer. I try to wear clothes that hide my flaws, but I'm not so good at this.

I'm just afraid that I will freak out as I age. It's not like we have a lot of examples of women aging naturally. Images of older women are constantly touched up. (We recently saw a billboard with Donna Sommer, who's in her sixties, and she looked about thirty. Look at any other older woman in the media and the results are about the same or same-ish.) And, how much of this surgical upkeep can you do before your body just says, 'Hey, I'm getting older, let me do my thing'? The whole thing reeks of The Picture of Dorian Gray in a way that I can't fully fathom.

And, I just feel that it's not fair. Our bodies are supposed to age. We lose color, we get wrinkles. It's like proof that we've lived, that we're actually people with pasts. I have a hard time with all of this growing up stuff, but I've never wanted to be young forever (I am still young, so ask me about this in another few decades). I think it's freaky for women to want to look exactly like their teenage daughters.

I actually like the lines on my face. I'm attempting to continue to like them. (I can't believe that I'm admitting to you, Interweb, that there are parts of me that I like.) I hope that I will be able to embrace the aging process, but I doubt that that will happen. We need some good role models for this. Okay, enough for now, because I'm starting to miss my Grammie who had grey hair and wrinkles for as long as I knew her and she was beautiful. I'll keep her in mind.

Still, I wonder what tune I'll be humming ten, twenty, thirty-plus years from now?

----------------

P.S. I wrote most of this post in previous days. In the meantime, Ms J has posted about a recent body affirming experience (sorry that sounds so new agey, I'm just tired). It's a good post, read it. Let the feeling rub off on you.