10 years later...

Holy crapola-on-a-stick. It's been almost ten years since I graduated high school. Some don't believe this, but it's true. So, I kind of wanted to throw a question out there, at the end of this, to you loverly Interweb-dwellers. First off, though, some rambling (like you've never gotten that here before).

I've been weirdly obsessed with my ten-year reunion since, well, about graduation. I know, I'm probably so messed up that even I can't fathom my problems. But, high school was a good time in my life. I was definitely not popular, cool, rad, hip, happenin' or anything of the sort. I was still the same geek that I am now. I didn't have a lot of friends, I didn't go to a glamorous school, nothing revelatory happened to me in high school. So, what the crap was so great about high school?

By the time I reached high school, I had known and been friends with some of the other kids since elementary school. By the time I graduated, I had been in classes with some of the same people all four years. By the time I graduated, I had a sense of place, a sense of belonging. After the hell that was middle school, high school felt right. Not to say that there weren't dicey times (kids putting deodorant on chairs as a gag (I still compulsively check my seats before I sit); not knowing how to express my amorous feelings toward anyone; not knowing how to kiss (go ahead, judge me); explaining to my parents that, no, I was not on drugs; wearing a bathing suit in front of many, many other people), but overall, I was in love.

It takes me a long time to come out of my shell. I feel that I'm just starting, in the last two years, or maybe even only year-and-a-half, to come out of my shell here and I've been here for almost a freaking decade. The stability of having the same core of classmates (my school, although in a large city, was a small school) over my four-year stint there was freaking awesome. I can't and I won't list all of the people I felt close to, all of the people whose presence(s?) helped me through -- mainly because some of these people I don't talk to anymore so I don't feel like sharing intimate feelings about them online -- but high school was a bonding time, a time to cement my relationships with Poke and Indie and so many others.

So, while I know that I will never be able to recover those feelings, especially not at a one weekend event, and while I know that I am really happy with most aspects of my life right now (when I take a moment to review them), I still want to go to my reunion. I want to reconnect with people who I slacked off on keeping up with. I want to hear what people have been doing since I last saw them all those years ago. (I'm not sure that I really want to let them all know that, hey, I've been in the same place since then, but, ah well....)

At the same time that I want to go to my reunion, I think that I idealize it tremendously. I have no idea what happens at reunions. I've only ever 'experienced' them through films (think Romy and Michelle and Grosse Point Blank). I suck at small talk. What if I don't recognize people? What if people are mean? (This is a constant fear of mine, because, well, sometimes people are mean.) What if there isn't anyone there I know? What if I have a great two days and then cry for a week afterward as I am wont to do?

What if I'm clinging to something I really shouldn't be clinging to anymore? (Um, actually, there are so many instances of this nostalgia in my life that this post doesn't even scratch the surface...scary, huh? This is why there are therapists, right?)

Anyhow, none of this will make any difference if I can't make it to my reunion. Details are tentatively promised within the next two weeks and then...we'll see.

So, what do you all think of the idea of class reunions? Have any of you gone? Do any of you plan to go? Do any of you want to go to mine? (I'm only kind of kidding.)

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P.S. Is it weird that typing this post filled me with anxiety? Maybe this is a sign?