beginnings, endings and possible false-starts

[Edited to add the 'false-starts' part that I somehow never actually posted...oops.]

So, for the good news: Poke’s daughter was born early Saturday morning. Poke’s labor wasn’t easy and she ended up having an emergency c-section. I found this out hours later when Poke called me at five-forty-five in the morning to give me an update. I had been worried and feeling completely useless. I had been worried that I was going to lose her and it was, to employ enormous understatement, a scary thought.

Anyhow, Baby B and her mamma’s writing about her can, of course, be found here.

As for endings: Pic’s last day of school was last Friday. I can’t believe that she’s not going back. She went there for three years. I feel incredible guilt for taking her out. If only she could have stayed one more year, at least, leading up to her kindergarten year.

I was something of a weepy mess on Friday. My emotions were supercharged (I knew that Poke was in the hospital…and, of course, I knew that it was Pic’s last day at school) and pretty much everything was bringing me to tears. Cardo kept offhandedly saying things like, ‘Wow, she’s been going there for so long!’ (Okay, perhaps my husband didn’t actually say, ‘Wow!, but he did seem more amazed than saddened by the fact.)

We sent Pic to school with sandwiches and apple slices that we had assembled that morning and cupcakes we had bought the day before. We wanted it to be something like a party for Pic.

She’s taking things rather well, so far, but pretty soon, she’ll be asking me when she gets to go back to school and play with her friends. Just typing this is dredging up the guilt and doubt that have been plaguing me.

These emotions have a bit to do with taking Pic out of school, but more to do with the reason I’ve taken her out. Yes, I have graduated (yet again…geez), but I STILL have no future plans. Long ago I came to a decision that I haven’t yet shared, but that I’ll go ahead and get out there now: I’ve given up hope on the London program. This is a defensive move. This way, if it doesn’t happen, hey, what’ve I lost? If it does, great, I wasn’t expecting it. (Of course, this mind game isn’t quite convincing me, but I keep it up.) I’ve become weary telling people the same thing over and over: If Pic and I go to London….I still don’t have confirmation….If we can afford the program. I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of pointing out, again and again, my own shortcomings to people who are filled with good intentions.

So, wow, I don’t mean to end this on such a sour note. Quick, divert your attention. Look, over there, adorable baby pictures!