blog sprint

One Minute Writer for today:

What bad habit would you like to change?

Lack of self-confidence. This comes to mind first because I'm reading Quintilian now (well, not right now, but today) and he talks about hexis (which has to do with habit). I have a habit of practicing my very little self-confidence.

I've been working on this for several semesters -- years, even. Instead of making it a goal to speak up at least once a week in class (my classes usually only meet once a week), my new goal has, of late, become to speak often in each class. I choose talking points while I do my reading and try to bring them up during discussion. Often, though, I still mumble, turn red or talk to the table. I hate that I talk to the table, but sometimes I just can't lift my eyes to meets someone else's because I keep imagining that everyone is thinking, "Oh, god, she's talking again. And, as usual, she's rambling on about...what? Please make her shut up." (Because, no, other people aren't thinking about what they could possibly share, they're thinking about me. The world revolves around me, no? No? I spend too much time in my own head.) Part of my rambling is nervousness. If no one else is talking, I feel that someone needs to say something, so I start talking.

Also, often I act like I have nothing to add to the discussion because I'm sure that what I have to say is so obvious or inane that my professors will start to doubt that I'm fit to be in the brick tower (no ivory here, folks).

Recently I've been thinking that my confidence has gone up, because I've been spending a lot of time with those I know and I'm comfortable with. However, the other night, I was confronted with someone I rarely see and suddenly I wanted to retreat. I wanted to keep my head down and bow out of the conversation. I hate this about myself, but I'm not sure how to change it. I suddenly felt very self-conscious and under scrutiny and I do not like this feeling.

I know this topic may not seem like a bad habit, but, well, I consider it one.

Anyway, I need to go rear a child.

Not exactly a sprint -- or one minute -- but it'll do.